Vicarious Assassin's Creed 3

Rating: 1 out of 3 Stars (why only 3 possible stars?)
Genre: Stab People; Sub-genre: Stab Animals, Stab Boats with Cannonballs
ESRB: M (gratuitous stabbing)
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): unavailable
Developer: Ubisoft Montreal
Wiki page

Not every person plays every game. And neither does every professional critic. Nor should they. Some things just don't interest everyone, no matter how hard a player may try to get into a new game. But I'm not a professional! So this is a VICARIOUS review!

I've never been sure what this whole Assassin's Creed business is. Apparently everyone and their brother plays it. I played the first one and had a hell of a time being a crazy mad man, terrorizing some random city in Crusades land... or whereever. It kept telling me to, like, do missions but those were so boring! Wait around, pick pockets, walk slowly, talk to people, bleh! Then I played the second one. I lost my comedy power of "pretend to be innocent" but gained the ability to murder people with a broom. And now everyone was speaking Italian off and on. I guess Italian was like some kind of high school required course during the Italian Renaissance? I don't know. It made no sense. And then the second game had two expansions or something, but those had the same cost as a full game. Uh, bullshit?

Three and four? Nope. Fuck numbers!

Obviously I gave up on this game series a while ago, so I really can't bring myself to play this third one. Luckily, a good friend of mine bought a copy and I watched him play it for a little bit. Not enough to see every minute detail, like I generally want with my reviews, but I think I got the gist of it. In the first game, the player controlled a middle eastern dude. Cuz the middle east is all about ninjas and shit. In the second one, the player controlled some spaghetti-eating white guy. Again, cuz Italy is all about ninjas. Finally, in the third game, the player gets to go to the birth place of ninjas: America. Which only makes sense because everything should be about America somehow. I don't care if the story takes place in pre-historic China or a galaxy far, far away: America! 

American.

So the dude you play as is this half-white and half-injun fellow. If he wasn't at least partially white, the audience would be incapable of understanding him. God help us all if there was ever a game where the main character was non-white. Seriously though, I don't know why this bugs me. Why couldn't they just make a story about a full-blooded Indian dude? Whatever, I don't know what the story is anyway. And he doesn't ever scalp people or use mystical Indian powers, so it seems to lend nothing to the gameplay. He can't use brooms as a weapon or pretend to be innocent... this guy has nothing going on for him! But wait! He can pilot a big ass boat!

Look out! Injuns!

What does this have to do with assassinating people? Uhhhhh stuff! In Revelations, you could command people to go to war, too. Nothing says "stealth assassination" like blowing up boats with cannons and war! I will admit, this is a very interesting addition to the game. Mostly because swashbuckling on the high seas is always a welcome addition to anything. My friend playing the game seemed quite taken with it as well. Personally I wish they would have just spent their time developing a version of this game only without the franchise name and WITH a competent developer. But obviously they didn't want to make a game that completely revolved around naval warfare and spice trade and shit; this is just a "mini-game" to all the assassinating and intrigue. I still say they could at least give the player the ability to board the enemy ship to duel the captain.

Add appropriate music and ADVENTURE!

But apparently this guy isn't as much of a fighter. I remember Ezio, from the second game, being able to forego stealth most of the time in favor of an outright rumble. I have read reviews where players have different comments on the combat, but my friend found it frustrating and clunky. I advised him to pick up a broom to see if that helps, but Connor (the player character) can't pick up brooms! Conversely, beasts are no match for him. Grizzly Bears? Charging Elk? Piece of cake. Turns out this fellow has the strength of like five dudes. Must be his Injun powers shining through! Or maybe Bears aren't so tough after all.

Look at this pussy. I could take him, no sweat!

Conclusion:
Despite all the pro's and con's of this game the bottom line is that it looks BORING. Don't get me wrong, it's worth a chuckle here and there. But I still can't be assed to play through the damn thing.

Oh, were we not supposed to let the heavily-armed-clearly-not-a-British-soldier into the camp? Oops!

Here's 5 Memorable Decisions in Video Games!

The holidays are here. And what better way to let out the stress of dealing with your attention-starved, inconsiderate relatives than going on a murderous rampage in a fictional land of pixels? Well, beating the shit out of a punching bag probably works a lot better. But for the more passive-minded person, video games are great.

I often think of how much of an asshole I am in a video game compared to real life. It's great therapy! Not having to worry about people's feelings or politics... just do what you REALLY want to do! But any game will let you screw around and try to break the rules. Here's five moments I found that developers specifically coded into the game that stuck with me for how ridiculous they are.

5. Fable 3

"Whore House or Orphanage?"

The Fable series is an incredibly boring group of games where you mash X until all the bad guys are dead. Unless you spec'ed differently. Then you sighed heavily at the lack of depth the game warrants you. But one thing it delivered on was giving the player infinite ways to screw around: get married, kill your spouse, buy a store, vandalize your own store, get a job that's far more tedious than a real life job, etc. So after playing Fable 2 I was confused and ended up playing Fable 3 for no reason.

One thing I didn't count on being so much fun was the premise of becoming king. Little did I know, a king's duty is apparently to sit on his throne and make hilariously blatant bad decisions all day. And one of these decisions stuck with me:

A woman asks that money from the treasury be used to rebuild an orphanage.
A man asks that a whore house be built in that spot instead, which will BRING money into the treasury.

I slammed the button to choose the whore house before they were done talking! Money AND whores? Sorry kids, no one wants you anyway! I immediately had to scope out this new whore house and hired every single one of them, male and female, to give me a 14ish person orgy. Allllllllllright!

...and then I embezzled all the profit for myself, despite having bought everything in the game and had millions of dollars leftover. Ha!

4. Mass Effect 2 and 3

"No! Robots aren't people!"

In the universe of the Mass Effect series, there is a race of robots called the Geth. They are somewhat sentient (they have a collective mind) so there are frequent debates on whether they should be treated with the same respect as other, more sapient humanoids.

Over the course of two of the games, there are a couple decisions that come up. Without getting into spoilers, some of them are not favorable for the Geth (what with their constantly showing up as "things to shoot at" in the series, not many people in this universe seem to like them). Sometimes when I play a roleplaying game, I roleplay! My Shepard doesn't give a fuck about machines! Robots ain't PEOPLE like you and me! It ain't "genocide" to kill 'em all! I am space president, I say fuck 'em!

If only I could give Shepard a southern accent and a cowboy hat...

3. Deux Ex: Human Revolution

"Murder your Boss"

Throughout the whole game, the player is meant to question the whole meaning of life and the consequences of human augmentation. The player's boss, David Sarif, is the head of a company that is a major player in the cybernetics field so obviously he is rather FOR aug'ing. The player, Adam Jensen, is basically Robocop'ed and arguably might not see eye to eye with David on every issue.

At the end of the game (again, avoiding spoilers) David hits you with one last request as to how to conclude the final resolution. But that's not what's important to me. What's important to me is that David is finally standing in a level where the player is allowed to use his weapons. And, sure enough, Mr. Sarif is killable.

Wham! Just like the picture above (that's not Sarif there) I assassinated that chump. "I quit." I imagined whispering. And then I went and performed his request anyway because I am an odd individual. Good thing this quest didn't have a turn in! Whoops!

2. Dragon Age II

"Ol' Square Jaw"

Aveline Vallen is a fighter, quite literally. She wears heavy armor and takes hits in the front lines: a bad ass of sorts. So she doesn't look like some dainty chick in a plate bikini. I respect that. But Jerk Hawke, my player character, is a completely superficial asshole. And that jawline... that's, like, a man's jawline... man.

Unfortunately I can't really talk much about this without spoilers. But basically there are just dozens and dozens of opportunities to piss this chick off. It has nothing to do with her appearance, though, so I was just getting into the RP of Jerk Hawke doing so subconsciously. I blamed her for everything that happened and made wild jumps in logic to stick it to her.

At some point she said she had an opportunity to leave for some reason. Obviously she didn't feel welcome in my town. So what did I do? I called her a Goddamn lazy coward! Just gonna leave? I was right about you all along! And so she beat the shit out of me.

Good times.

1. Fallout 3

"Stop Screwing Around!"

In Fallout 3, you are forced to go through a sequence where you are born (uh, gross?) and then have to do a bunch of boring shit as a little kid before you actually get to roam the wastelands. You are introduced to your father, who you might immediately recognize is voiced by Liam Neeson. His manly tone is caring and wise so it works well. And then you get a BB gun.

Most people probably just wanted to get through the "starter zone" so they could play the real game. Those people would have used that gun and followed the objectives: shooting targets and a giant roach with it. Me? I turned around and shot Mr. Neeson right in the eye! "Stop screwing around!" Your father yells in an instantly angry tone.

I'm still laughing about it to this day! And it's one of my favorite video game quotes alongside "No! I can't move!" and "What is this? I hope this isn't Chris' blood!" so you'd likely hear me saying this out loud if you are around me long enough.

I have a tendency to think of Mr. Neeson being in that little recording room going through his lines. At some point, the VO Director would tell him, "Alright, Mr. Neeson. For this next line, this is for if the player decides to brutally attack their own father as a ten year old." And he'd just stare blankly for a moment before going along with it reluctantly, "Um... okay?"

Braid

Rating: 3 out of 3 Stars (why only 3 possible stars?)
Genre: Puzzle; Sub-genre: Artsy, Platformer
ESRB: Unrated? (call it "teen" for use of the word "bitch" a single time, I guess)
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): 6/2
Developer: Jonathan Blow
Wiki page

I hope I sound smart for enjoying such an arty game. Because I'm sure any belief in that concept will quickly dissolve with each passing word in this review. So, check this shit out, yo! You can rewind time and shit! Ohhhhhhhhh! But seriously, while the ability to rewind might be called the chief "gimmick" here, it's done so thoroughly and with several variations. And just about every level has a moment where you go, "Wait, what?" and gets you rewinding and going through your steps several times. This is the kind of game design that doesn't show itself in modern gaming too much: trusting the player to figure things out. While it IS a puzzle game, it does so with actual puzzles that fit the tone and pace of the game. Not just some bullshit non-puzzle like you'd see in a game like God of War where you just have to figure out what floor panels to step on, and CERTAINLY not like those awful point-and-click adventure games that make you click the whole screen until you stumble on the answer. And you know what else? I think anyone can figure out these puzzles. Not because they are easy, no. But they have just the right kind of challenge and the levels flow and direct the player very naturally. It always feels like a reward to solve a puzzle. Like you figured the damn thing out! Yes, you are so Goddamn smart!

Feeling out the variations is very fulfilling, like Rachmaniov's 43rd Opus

I listed the gameplay hours at a loss. The amount of time it takes to solve each puzzle is dependent on how fast the player can figure things out. As a small little indie game, it can possibly be done in a single long ass sitting by a crazy gamer like myself. Maybe a less versed gamer would take longer, I'm not sure. These ticklers grasp at the brain's ability to discern things quite naturally, but I did feel some things did speak to me. Like how jumping on a bad guy INCREASES your jump height. At any rate, it's completely unapologetic in that it will slam you with a level that would take five seconds to solve if you already knew how to do it, but might take an hour just scratching your head. I definitely had moments like that. Without giving anything away, one involved me discovering, "I can jump on that!?" It wasn't bullshit. I didn't see something that was right in front of me. Son of a bitch! Actually, the thing I got stuck on the most was the last level. Not the level itself, just getting to it. I didn't realize the ladder in the middle of the world selection screen went into the attic. Had to stop by Gamefaq's for that. D'ohhhhhhhhh...

Fuck this!

So the story... um, not my cup of tea, unfortunately. Which sucks because it's more sophisticated than pretty much any video game out there. It's told all out of order and with this weird surreality around it. But when I saw the scene above, I instantly gave up on it. You give me all this high brow artsy, confusing bullshit and then you just jam an obvious pop culture reference in my eye? Ugh! Pop culture references are low brow! And comedic, generally. This is completely... ugh! I know it's an indie game, and we all have to remember how much "better" games used to be, but whatever man! Fuck this! I glazed over everything, but that's partly due to my eagerness to get back to time travel platforming wackiness. I will say that the ending is decidedly intriguing. You don't see story endings like this at all in video games, and not very often in any other story. Man, there should have been a high brow reference, if any at all. Like, "Did you know that in his time J.C. Bach was more popular than his father, J.S. Bach? How odd, the whims of fame!" And... uh, that would have been like an arrogant joke about how popular this game ended up being. Yeah, something.

I'm smart! Classical music!

Oh, music, right. The music in this game is very fancy and soothing, yet contemplative and involved. Not your typical blather you'd find in a video game that just plays short little cues to scripted events in the game. It's no Castlevania 3, which is what I wish I'd find from these Indie developers who get so stuck on the days of old and hate the modern era, so I don't listen to it on its own. But within the game, it flows into the foreground while sinking into your subconscious and riding with you on your adventure.

This guy's gimmick is that he uses a whip while moving left to right. Tell me how games are all the same NOW, please.

Conclusion:
Really anyone can enjoy this game. Especially when I see the success of Portal going around, it should translate here. Just so long as you aren't scared off by artsy-ness of it. But it's already made a million billion dollars, so don't worry your dainty fingers too much with it. Go play your Call of Battlefields or whatever kids play these days! Nyah!

Is it this one?

5 Stupider Things That are Just as Stupid as the Last 5

First of all, "unnecessary sequels" isn't on this list. Nor will it ever be! So... take that! When I wrote about the five things last time, I knew I couldn't have possibly covered all the bases. Almost immediately more things were coming to mind.

I'll not waste any more time. Video game industry? Here's some free advice!

5. The Ol' Sand in the Eyes

Even a gadget master like Batman has no clue what these are.

Offenders: World of Warcraft, Avengers Alliance

No matter how bullet-proof a hero is, the eyes seem to be exactly as vulnerable as a regular person's. This ... sort of makes sense. Eyes are squishy and irritable, so it's hard to imagine them being as strong as steel. But then so is skin. If your skin was made of steel, how would you move?

How come bad guys don't ALL just rely on weapons made for hurting eyes like a ninja's black egg (a weapon comprised of things like crushed glass and pepper)? And does this mean the brain is also soft? Can you shoot a super hero in the eyes and fell them permanently? If not, just straight up stab their eyes out. They can't stop your crime spree then!

What other incredibly common weaknesses do super powered beings have? Can you kick them in the junk (or boob) to incapacitate them with pain? Can you get them to sit on a whoopie cushion and make them blush and scream, "I didn't fart! It was this cushion!" and damage their self esteem? Villains apparently need to stop coming up with grandiose schemes and just start using basic pranks!

4.  "Saving the world, huh? That's great... PAY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, YA BUM!"

This guy cracks me up. Is he aware he's a vendor in a video game? I think he is.

Offenders: Every RPG ever

I know people are selfish. And in the darkest of times, that is exactly when profiteers will know to strike. But even in real life there are selfless people who will donate to a good cause like, "Letting the lone hero have a couple free arrows so he can save the whole world."

For cryin' out loud, man. When I hit a vendor just before the big final battle and he still wants my cash, I can't help but sigh out loud, "Really!?" Does the hero not want to shop elsewhere? I know it may be the only vendor in-game for the player, but in the reality INSIDE the game there has to be OTHER vendors, right? And there's no "end justifies the means" angle? Can't just jack the shit and let the dumb SOB die in the apocalypse?

As far as game design goes, I don't always understand the need for money to exist in a game. If you've already staggered the time when upgrades come around, why pay for them? To me, having to save up works better when I see what I want and work towards it. When I save up cash on the off chance some random asshole will show up at the eleventh hour with an expensive super weapon... well, I know I'm clearly playing a video game.

3. Helicopters!

Get down! Zoooo pchow! Dooooosh! Pochhhhh! Oh my God, you're lucky to be alive!

Offenders: Every Military Shooter Ever

If video games have taught me anything, it's to never be in a helicopter for any reason. They're, like, made of explosive barrels or something. Fortunately surviving a helicopter crash is extremely easy so long as you're the primary protagonist. Yet when they attack me they all of a sudden take like ten rockets to take out. What? Bullshit, man!

I'm hoping one day someone makes a game where the opening scene involves being in a helicopter crash and then it just says "Game Over." Waka waka! Reality!

2. Mass Murderer with a Heart

Kill or be killed... and then come back and kill more. That's the Wild West.

Offenders: Red Dead Redemption, L.A. Noire, many many sandbox games without a "morality" feature.

Some games are like Fallout 3: some mystical force in the universe watches your every move and lets everyone know you're a bad person through "karma." Some games give you similar amounts of freedom, but with very little fucks given about your addiction to arbitrary crimes of murder, theft, and vandalism. Sure, you'll get a fine and sent to jail. But your character is still the same and can keep going about the main story like nothing's changed.

Red Dead is a prime example because it lets you experience the freedom of the American Wild West (or at least the glorified version of it we've all come to love). Yet at the same time, John Marston, the main character, always seems concerned about what's right. He'll show respect for someone who may be a "good man" and try to do good by his fellow man. But once he's in free roam mode? All of a sudden he's a one man version of Genghis Khan's army!

I can't really say this needs fixing, though. I love goofing off and going crazy. If games want to have the story actually be affected by my mad rampages, that'll just be a nice bonus.

1. Jesus Syndrome

Offenders: Mass Effect 2, Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, Fable 2

The story of Jesus has at least once been referred to as "the greatest story ever told." Apparently, the video industry has agreed and included the whole dying and coming back thing in everything! Sure movies have the occasional Spock or Ben Kenobi making returns but it seems to be way more prevalent in video games. Or I just need to watch more movies. Maybe. I don't think I'm wrong.

But it's infrequent that this happens as a reason for a Robocop type character. And that's the best reason to die and come back! As a Goddamn cyborg! In ME2 it's just a plot convenience to give a reason for Shepard to work for terrorists, in KoA it serves to show that fate is unraveling (or something), and in Fable 2 it's done to show the main character is unkillable. While these are all well and good, they don't account for one thing: this makes the rules of the game universe really fucking weird!

Like, people can die and come back? Why is there conflict in the world? Or the character is invincible? It sure doesn't seem that way when certain games have a game over screen. This is an automatic, "Why didn't they just use a Phoenix Down on Aeris" to me!

I ask you out there this: when this happens in a story, don't you immediately think things like, "Oookay. That happened" and start questioning the logic of everything? It has that tinge that clicks in a person's mind that interrupts the flow every time! And it doesn't make the character seem cooler or more interesting. It just becomes an awkward hurdle that comes and goes for "no reason." Blah!

XCOM: Enemy Unknown

Rating: 3 out of 3 Stars (why only 3 possible stars?)
Genre: Turn-based Strategy; Sub-genre: RPG
ESRB: M (cartoony gore)
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): Infinite?/8
Developer: Firaxis Games
Wiki page

This was a real hard game to review. There's many reasons I should probably rate it lower since the rating represents a recommendation.  And I wouldn't recommend this game to a lot of people. It's different in enough ways that I'm not sure everyone will understand it. Also, it's kind of stressful at times: the game requires the player to accept loss. That's right, the player isn't an automatic badass who can never fail. Frequently, squad mates will die and you'll just have to replace them with rookies and move on. Also, countries will get angry if you don't pay attention to them and will abandon you. As far as I can tell, this is bound to happen eventually as I was forced to complete the game because more than one country was threatening to do so by the end of the month!

The strategy of "only giving a shit about America" caused me to lose quickly. What is this!?

The gameplay is remarkably simple for a strategy game as there's only 4 classes and they all have some key shared abilities (all use ranged attacks and can overwatch). There, of course, is added depth everywhere with items, talent point selection, different passives and penalties, etc. So it strangely makes the classes completely different while working the same. Whoa. It's that "easy to learn, tough to master" mentality that every game vies for. When you're not doing turn-based combat, you go through menus to buy upgrades and get research and read lore. Then it's back to combat, then menus, and back and forth. That's really all you do the whole time. But with the ability to save mid-mission, this gives it a "pick up and play" feel. I'm not going to penalize them here as not every game needs things like travel time and professions, but it is definitely noticeable.

Look! This is all one big menu! Click on stuff! Wooo!

The way I'd describe the story is "a better take on Call of Duty," or perhaps any military shooter out there. You are a faceless, nameless, voiceless protagonist who reports to three different people. They each have a face and personality and talk to you directly about what is going on in a professional and direct manner. This is because this is a military operation, obviously. Wow, though. So refreshing compared to watching a glitchy map flicker while some random voice tells you a name and to "take him out." Also much better than running around while helicopters explode out of the sky while people yell things like "Go go go!" It reminds me of Michael Crichton's "Sphere" or "Andromeda Strain", too, as the alien invasion is looked at from a scientific stand point. So this isn't the most investing story in the world since there's not a lot of humanization and personal struggles going on, but it's effective. XCOM gets a cookie!

This is what I imagine the player character looks like.

I tried the PvP only briefly, as it relies too heavily on scouting for me to become interested. You can just sit still and spam Overwatch until the enemy gets close and you get a free shot at them. I'm too impatient for a waiting game. But it is pretty interesting because you can piece together a small squad using any unit (including aliens but not the human unmanned drone, for some reason) so I can't help but wonder what people will piece together using the limited points allocated to spend on units.

Aliens versus aliens! Who needs humans?

So how did I decide on a lofty score of 3 stars? To be honest, I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I hoped I would. I wasn't entirely in to the stressful nature of worrying about losing things, and I found myself reloading old saves to avoid it (which you can disable by turning on Iron Man mode, if you're the type who plays things like Diablo 2's Hardcore mode). And going back and forth between menus and straight back to combat was streamlined and all, but I wanted a turn-based game to take me on a journey around the galaxy, man. But here's the thing: these were all conscious design decisions and they are work together. The game takes a lot of risks and it works perfectly at what it does. At the end of the day, those are two of the best things to reward in game-making. Also, turn-based combat is fucking awesome.

Conclusion:
Did you play turn-based (PC) games in the 90's? Then you'll love this! AND you can play it on modern consoles! Or maybe you didn't, but you want something very different from the usual shooters and action games that flood the markets today. If you're a big gamer and love numbers and tactics, this could tickle your Elmo just as well!

I forgot to name a member of my squad "Will Smith." Nuts!

Bonus notes!

It's fun to name your squad members. It's so odd that there's an instant attachment when you personally name something, so it certainly adds a lot of flavor to the game. Personally I found myself imagining the careers of these silent drones and how they perceived their life. Here's some of my crew and their stories:

Jeffu "KFC" Kriffhanga - Japanese male - world's greatest sniper. Promoted to Colonel before anyone else. Pretty nice of the aliens to let him shoot them in the head so he can retire as a colonel before 30, huh?

Tits "And Ass" O'Neil - Irish female - it's hard being female and being given the name "Tits." But she doesn't care. Her squad relies on her fast feet and medic skills to prevent them from dying in more than one way. You're welcome, boys.

Steve "AMERICA!" Rogers - American male - a brave soul. A proud motivator. A good friend. He can't shoot for shit, but he loves tearing up buildings with rockets. And in the end, he gave his life to save the entire human race. Good on you, soldier.

McAbraham "DJ" Rapmaster - Israeli male - the bravest mother fucker in the universe. Through sheer badassery (and rap skills?) he charges into EVERY battle. Most of the time he dodges bullets like he's from the damn Matrix, but he still gets shot up. And the tough son of a bitch made it in the end. The aliens are gone... get some rest, soldier. Psh. I doubt he will.

Boopity "Spumoni" Alfredo Sauce - Italian male - second greatest sniper. Between him and KFC, alien faces didn't stand a chance.

Adolf "I'm Belgian" Not-Hitler - Belgian male - so the Belgian flag and German flag use the same colors. Only one is vertical and the other is horizontal. This and wearing a Hitler 'stache will get people thinking you are Hitler. Good thing his name is "Not-Hitler!" Best buds with Rapmaster, so he can't be a Nazi leader, right?

Mustache Sanchez - Mexican male - the first officer to die in battle. You will be remembered, Mustache.

Børky "Sandvich" Flügenblügen - Norse female - bork bork! Vundi vundi vundi! Bork? Bork bork bork spaghetti bork bork! Bork bork vundi bork!

Fleuxfy "Frenchy" Fleuxiuss - French male - the first man to become a telepath. Whoa.

5 Stupid Things in Video Games That Are Stupid

There are a lot of stupid things in video games: bad writing, sexism, hyper violence, and so on. But those are not unique to video games. Think about that for a second; every single one of those things  can be applied to every form of media. Bad writing? Read "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne (he's famous right? Whatever books!). Sexism? Try anything on TV that isn't WWE (everyone is a piece of meat! Equal!). Hyper violence? Go see "Titus Andronicus" by William Shakespeare (that is, if it were being performed any where). Also, some of those things can be fun (just switch the order to WWE, The Scarlet Letter, and Titus Andronicus, respectively).

So here I'm hitting the best medium in the face with some stupid things. And unlike Fox News and your parents, I actually play the damn things. Expect some really specific shit! Like...

5. Last Level is a Volcano

Looks stable enough to build an evil lair in, right?

Offenders: Resident Evil 5, Borderlands 2

Apparently someone in the video game industry saw a James Bond film 30 years ago and decided that this was the best place to have a duel to the death AND that it would never get old. And how deadly is lava if you can build catwalks over it and spend years carving out the mountainside like no one's business? Here's a tip: if you are close to lava, you will explode into flames. And everyone knows that. Also: inactive volcanoes are inactive, and active ones are to be avoided (see above picture).

When I get to a level where there's lava all around me, I instantly think, "Welp, guess it's time to fight the last boss." I get that it's a rather climactic scene, but by hell it's so cliche it's like "the chicken and the egg" now. Which came first? And is that phrase or this concept more cliche? I can't tell.

4. Exploding Barrels

I keep at least 4 of these in my bedroom, don't you?

Offenders: Half-Life, Doom, Uncharted, Every Shooter Ever

Dear Exploding Barrel Factory,

Why do you make these barrels? Who does your marketing to make such a useless product so very in-demand? I sincerely hope you advise your employees not to shoot guns at each other around the workplace, as such has proven to be so very popular by your consumers, because that would certainly ruin your entire business in one shot.

Whatever the case, you've killed far more bad guys than any one-man-army hero-type has ever done. So that makes you the world's greatest super hero. Good on you, buddy.

And what substance is it that explodes instantly on contact with bullets? We're all so very curious.

P.S. How do you convince your customers that these make great cover against gunfire? I mean, who else would tell them that?

3. Unnecessary Penalties for Death

Here's a picture of an unnecessary death penalty, waka waka! Please no political commentary.

Offenders: World of Warcraft, Too Human, Every Sandbox Game Ever

Very few games treat death in a realistic sense. I don't want to get into the whole conundrum of infinite henchmen who throw their lives away for pennies on the dollar. Rather, I'm talking about the player character specifically. Diablo 2 has a hardcore mode where death is permanent and if a player wants to keep playing he or she will need to start from the beginning. XCOM: Enemy Unknown has an iron man mode where the player is forced to rely on auto-saves and cannot save manually; thus any mistakes made in the game are not correctable. But every game is forced during the design stages to consider how to make players understand- nay- FEEL the fact that they have truly failed when they die. In the old days, the cost was very real: 25 cents straight out of your real life pocket. Because of laziness, this carried over into home gaming systems by giving players a limited number of lives. In fact, Nintendo still does this in many games because they're old fogies who don't know what the hell they're doing.

Here's another free tip, gaming industry: you don't have to do anything. Look at games with manual saves, like The Elder Scrolls. In such games, the player is told he or she is now dead and will have to revert to a previous save. That's it. Take a game like World of Warcraft, where there is no manual save, and the developers are forced to get creative: the fight resets, the player is sent miles away to a graveyard, their gear takes damage that costs in-game money to repair, and enemies respawn. Holy shit! That's easily two extra things, if not three. Players are more afraid of death in WoW than real life. Just watch them chug Mountain Dew and Cheetoes dust, you know I'm right. When I used to play, everyone constantly complained about it and the fear of failure shaped what players were willing to even attempt.

It's like developers have some sort of existential crisis when pondering the meaning of death in their game. Like, they get high and start saying things like "far out" and "whoa" for that design meeting. Seriously, guys. Figure it out. When you tell us that we've lost... WE GET IT. Just let us get back to having some Goddamn fun already.

2. Patience Equals Difficulty

The next "Ninja Gaiden", folks.

Offenders: World of Warcraft, God of War, Fight Night

Pacing is a big deal to me. It's a big deal to video games, as well, being founded on the concept of instant gratification. But I'm not even talking about that. Games that are slow like Lords of Shadow and every-JRPG-ever are fine and understandable to me. I'm not talking about that. No, these are games that make the player wait in various ways as part of the actual freaking gameplay.

In WoW, everything is a time commitment. See an item you want? A good player can figure out how many times they have to do X to get Y before Z can happen. And sometimes there are many more steps than that! In games like God of War, the game will just abruptly stop. And you're forced to figure out what can be clicked and where before you can continue. Fight Night furthers something that occurs in every game by requiring the player to wait on an opening to make their move. Which is like boxing, sure, but it penalizes the aggressive too heavily. Land 100 clean and mean hooks on your opponent? That's nice, try landing ONE counter-punch some time. It'll win you the fight.

Put it this way: if Grand Theft Auto made the cops chase after you for running a red light, getting in a collision, or driving on the sidewalk would you play it? Probably not since at that point you'd have to drive safely. And who the hell would want to do that in a video game? No one. Because patience is for dealing with real life, and video games are for going nuts in pretend land.

1. The Silent Protagonist

Thank you, Cast Away, for not featuring an hour and a half or more of solid silence.

Offenders: Fallout 3, Crisis 2, Borderlands 2

I'm referencing "Cast Away" because the makers of that film must have come to the realization at some point that no one would watch a movie where a guy just silently lives on an island by himself for a few years. So they gave him lines of dialogue and a beach ball named "Wilson." What'd they get for it? Several Oscars. Or maybe zero Oscars, I don't remember. Look it up if you're so curious.

The people who make video games, conversely, seem to think having the player being some kind of mute person is a good idea. The idea behind it is that the player will more easily think of themselves being in the game or some stupid shit. I'm actually curious: does ANYONE like or prefer this? When everyone around you talks and asks you to do shit and you just idly stand there and accept what you're told without a word? It's not like you can yell at your TV and have them hear you (maybe Kinect can bring this feature to life, eh?). So for me, I don't feel like I'm imagining myself as actually in the game. No, what I imagine is some dopey guy standing there with his mouth agape who simply nods his head when the smart people are talking. Or Harpo Marx. Either way, my character seems kinda goofy.

Seriously, what is this shit? In the old days, it was just limitations in the hardware and software. Or limitations in the narrative. When I was a kid, a "cutscene" consisted of seeing a girl getting punched in the stomach and then the two playable characters chased after her (Double Dragon). Nowadays, you got games like Metal Gear Solid 4 that have like 93 hours of cutscene footage where people only speak in weird, incoherent sentence fragments.

We have games like Mass Effect and Uncharted now where players get to enjoy actual conversations. I know video games are pretty far behind in terms of quality writing. Those two examples have some of the best the medium has to offer, and they're still on par with B movies... or "dumb action" movies at best. But look at Halo and Gears of War: the first one stars a faceless, bio-engineered mutant man and the second is a cast of men made of blocks of meat. But they all still talk. Those games made money, right? No more silent protagonists! Say something!

Might & Magic: Clash of Heroes

Rating: 3 out of 3 Stars (why only 3 possible stars?)
Genre: Puzzle; Sub-genre: Turn-based RPG
ESRB: E10
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): 40/30
Developer: Capybara Games
Wiki page

As far as I know, the only people who use handhelds are women, children, and Japanese people. So I had no idea this game even existed until it one day was being advertised on XBox Live Arcade as it had just been ported over (it has since also been ported to Steam). I'm not really sure how I even came to take a gamble on this game. I guess I just felt like I was ignoring the potential of XBLA or something. But I downloaded the trial, and that sold me enough to immediately get the whole game. That felt like an especially good decision since I was giving my money towards a game that is both out of the spotlight AND gave them encouragement to not just settle on being a handheld title. Those of you who love JRPG's probably know the feeling all too well that the genre just doesn't feel alive when it's hidden away on tiny screens.

Who does this? This is almost as painful as reading a book! Jesus!

The game itself is hard to define. I chose to describe it as a Puzzle game first, since that aspect stands out the most and RPG fans will immediately notice it. But the framing of the game is that of an RPG, and the "combat" is turn-based. This can lend itself to having qualities that would offend fans of each genre, but if it clicks for you then it will click HARD. Now I'm not a frequent puzzle game player, but there have been a few in the past I've enjoyed: Portal, Tetris, Bust-a-Move... the big ones, basically. And I respect them as a valid genre. So much so that I refer to the puzzles in games like God of War, Resident Evil, and all point-and-click adventure games as "non-puzzles." So I get the appeal, unlike things like sports games or racing games. And obviously I enjoy RPG's... who doesn't? I drool over turn-based strategy, too, but I'll try to avoid talking about that too much.

Fuck reaction time. Taking 40 minutes to analyze a single move is hot.

The gameplay is kept incredibly basic: you move the avatar along set tiles like some kind of board game and run into assholes to destroy. It really doesn't deviate from that. There's some minor ways you can explore, and there's bonus puzzles (these have no combat) as well. This game focuses on story and combat. The beefy gameplay hours come from the fact that combat can last a pretty long time. I'd wager something like 30 minutes for a long match. A short match is probably like five to ten minutes. The puzzle nature of the combat is simply matching colors of units together, but there are many types of units to choose from and different combo's and items to use. It's very high on the idea of being easy to learn but difficult to master. It's very rewarding for that OCD/Autistic mentality of RPG gaming. You know? Cuz it's like: "You matched the colors! You get to fuck shit up!" All it needs is some kind of inventory management and a bonus for making a symmetrical attack pattern and it'll probably GIVE people these mental issues.

I MATCHED ALL THE THINGS TO THE OTHER THINGS. I AM NOW GOD.

The story is surprisingly effective. I mean, it's stupidly simplistic. It has this feel of: Gryphons come from Gryphonland, bad guys from from Demontown, you should fight bad guys because you're good and they are bad. Everything is so blunt and obvious. But it works! The voice acting is there and there's an inkling of personality to the characters and the story has a logical arc to follow. So I give it a thumbs up. And the factions have a good variety to them: humans, elves, undead, demons, desert people. All straight-forward, yes, but each one has a different visual style, fighting strategy, and personality so they become investing if you want to try to pick a favorite.

There's also hot anime chicks. Ha ha! Her hair is made of fire... *cough*

I tried playing the online head-to-head and I don't believe the game is totally balanced. I found myself running into the same unstoppable strategy a couple of times. Maybe I'm not the best at it, though. Plus I'm one of those people who uses an underdog character and then complains when I lose. So there's that. But even then, it boils down to luck; getting the right units and the right colors to come to you at the right time since it's all randomized. That ultimately caused me to stop playing. That and the long time to find a match that started occurring (which is likely much worse now). At the same time, I do feel it is a strongly designed combat system. It's at least way better than any card game out there.

1. Buy a powerful card no one has. 2. Lose before seeing card in hand. 3. Sadness.

Conclusion:
If you like matching things to other things, strategy, and a simple but effective story then this game is a lot of fun! If you need realistic graphics, gore, and machine guns then you'll probably hate it, heh.

Because it has a start and end, it'll give you less nightmares than this game. Seriously, this game gives me nightmares.

Borderlands 2

Rating: 2 out of 3 Stars (why only 3 possible stars?)
Genre: First Person Shooter; Sub-genre: RPG
ESRB: M (For a lot of blood and innuendos)
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): 40/20
Developer: Gearbox Software
Wiki page

I was looking forward to this game all year. And it is great. But I've chosen to ding it for several reasons. I could argue that most of these stem from things that I wanted to see improved from the first game, but they all affect the overall game. The big issues I have are going to ring true for everyone. It hurts me to give this game less than three stars, but as I am closing in on finishing my second playthrough I feel strongly about it. If I had to pick one central reason that forced me to give this lower rating it would be this: enemy design. I'll try to touch on as many things as I can, but this one thing sours the whole experience. Basically, the game whittles down to sniping. Like... all the time. Any time you are not sniping? Your ability needs to be off cooldown or you're going to use "consumables" (rockets and grenades, there are no health potions). Failing that, you'll have to exploit the "Fight for your life" game mechanic. Just pray that your enemies don't arbitrarily run away from you the SECOND you get downed. This could potentially be fixed in future patches... sorta. Tweaking numbers and such. But even then the AI would not be well executed. Let's get down to why.

This should probably be "another wind" or something. How many "seconds" can you have?

So here's how shooters work: either projectiles are slow and clumsy so the player can dodge them (think old school games like Contra or maybe some of Doom) or they are fast and deadly, turning the game into a semi-realistic firefight relying on cover (like Call of Duty). In Borderlands you can FEEL that the game wants you to get in there and fight toe-to-toe with stuff, but bullets hurt a hell of a lot and there are always a ton of bad guys with a ton of health. Also, these bad guys move really Goddamn fast and lose none of their accuracy while dancing around. BUT if you run away from everything to sniping distance? They take cover and stay nice and still for ya. And guess what? Their aim is just as good when using cover. However, their artificial inaccuracy (that is, the statistic given to them to make their shots have randomized trajectories as they otherwise can instantly lock on to you visually) renders them completely ineffective at range. What does this mean? It means you're invincible when you snipe, but made of paper when you get any where near them. Enemies don't flinch reliably when hit with damage either.

It's hard to focus when things hit you in the face as this album cover shows.

Now listen: I'm not complaining that the game is too hard. It's actually relatively easy... so long as you use sniper rifles a lot. But my point is that enemies don't seem to have logical design to them. In all of these previous sentences, I've basically been talking about the "Marauder". It's like the most basic bad guy. He just has a dinky little gun, low health, and runs around like a normal guy. And he's pretty damn threatening if he gets up close to you. I upgraded my shields from about 5000 to 16000 at some point and STILL found myself dying in a split second up close with this guy. But that was during my second playthrough, which is supposed to be harder. The last boss, who is built up as an unstoppable death machine (this isn't a spoiler, just common sense as far as bosses go), is kind of a push over. It took me a lot of effort to beat him, but he was kind of a weakling. I think I could say that about all the bosses. Without analyzing every unit in the game, I'll just talk about one more: Hyperion Sniper. The name suggests he'd be good at range and maybe bad at melee, right? Wrong! This mother fucker is so good at hipfire and combat rolling you will be long dead by the time you realize you're surprised! And at range? He misses all the time, especially if you strafe side to side. It just feels to me like every enemy was approached with zero thought on playability and fun. Watch out for Stalkers and Constructors!

It never stops shooting. Never. After it's dead you'll still hear missiles exploding for like ten seconds.

The weapons are improved from the first game, sure, but... not enough. The weapon tooltips are more detailed, but important stats like recoil and stability are still a mystery. Hell, you can't even tell if something has a scope now unless you look at the actual gun while it's in your hands. That's just clumsy, man. And they went out of their way to give every brand a flavor. It's a nice touch, but it means you'll instantly hate weapons just by seeing the brand. Typically I avoid Hyperion and Dahl guns at all times. I love Vladof, but good stats are hard to come by and the spinny assault rifles suck. Jacobs is only good for sniper rifles. Tediore is only good for shotguns (personal taste). Torgue is terrible for everything except launchers. And Maliwan is pretty damn awesome. Their guns are designed around the elements, and elements are fucking useful! Except shock. Shock is still pretty lame. Although in the second playthrough you'll find enemies with shields more frequently, but you need another gun once their shields are down. Why does the bonus only apply when their shields are up? Why not always get a bonus against enemies with shield capabilities? And why did they introduce a new element (slag) when they still had a lame one? In the previous game, you eventually ran into Eridians who had high shields but low health. There is no such enemy in this game. So again: enemy design.

They give you a handy tutorial to explain how totally useful shock is!

Another "big improvement" is the story. This is actually a really funny thing to comment on. Not because the game is full of humor, but from like an intellectual examination perspective. For a game that relies so heavily on "dick and fart" type humor, it handles story less clumsily than a lot of games. Like every Call of Duty, Halo, Gears of War, Resistance... just to name a few. I point this out because there's characters, goals, arcs, and twists. It's still stupid as hell, but many games don't even attempt these things. Although there are enemies with no explanation (like the bandit Goliaths who randomly have Resident Evil 4 powers... is there an infection and only they got it? Huh?), I think I'll blame the enemy design team for that since they suck. Unfortunately I can't actually praise this as a fully positive mark in the game. Not because the plot is stupid. It's totally fine that it's stupid. But it doesn't fit the tone of the game. Too much melodrama, anger, desperation, and such. I get that it's a planet filled with psychopaths, bandits, and unscrupulous corporations but it's shown as such a fun adventure that none of that stuff feels good at all. Plus they made the old characters into important NPC's so we could learn about them or something. But the new characters are silent while everyone else now talks. What the hell! So then maybe in the NEXT game will these characters get to talk? Just give the character we control a damn voice!

My commando, Super Fucker, likes to listen. That is what I have derived of his personality.

I'm sorry I'm complaining so much. It's not making sense that I gave this game two stars instead of one, is it? Well, there is a reason I've pumped so many hours into this game: it's still pretty fun. And it's clear they did a lot of work in a short development cycle for a game with so much stuff in it. I'm just... so tired of sniping, man. I've been forcing myself to not use sniper rifles lately. It's harsh. I die a lot to stupid bullshit, which is frustrating. I've been studying the terrible enemy design to see how terrible it is since everything acts similarly stupid to sniper rifles. Ugh. There's so many little things I'd do differently. Like the Y button! It's useless! Use the D-pad to switch weapons, the Y button is just going to slow you down! And why are shotguns so crappy? They should provide a definitive advantage at close range over other weapons, not provide marginally better DPS if you find something big enough that all the pellets will hit! Jesus. I can't review this game. I've become too close. Call it a wash.

I'm off the case! Other cop drama cliches!

Conclusion:
You probably already own this game and love it. You also know I'm right. Think about it! But there's a shit load of DLC coming out. I'll continue playing then, but XCOM: Enemy Unknown is coming out very soon. Wooo-wee!

If my "censor gore" is off how come there's no dismemberment in this game? Agh! Can't stop complaining!

Extra Note!

Here's a little something I wanted to point out that's nifty about this game series that I don't think people have really noticed: female characters. It goes without saying that video games have real trouble with female characters. Being that the industry takes so much profit from the male population, it's more concerned with making them into hood ornaments than living, breathing people. You'd think a game series like Borderlands would be a big offender with all it's inappropriate humor, but no! Not really, anyway. There are actually quite a few female characters in the story, and a lot of them are kinda cool for reasons other than "having tits". Here's a list of girls who are important, not whorishly dolled up, and have as much complexity as a game about shooting retards can afford:

-Helena Pierce
-Athena
-Ellie
-Tiny Tina
-Patricia Tannis
-Gaige

Here's three more who fit that bill, but are made out to be more attractive than maybe necessary (although these can be tied to lore reasons, I guess):
-Lilith
-Maya
-Angel

And here's the list of whores:
-Moxxie

Mind you, she's an actual whore. Even then, she's a mother of two (perhaps more?) and arguably has layers.

You also run into NPC's from time to time who seem to fit the atmosphere more realistically than one would expect from a video game (like T.K. Baha's daughter). And remember: I'm not saying these characters are like... super feminist ideals or anything. Just that they're not total trash.

Sorry this is such a weird thing to bring up. Felt compelled to ... probably because I'm still in the process of playing Kingdoms of Amalur where the average female NPC looks like this: