I'll not waste any more time. Video game industry? Here's some free advice!
5. The Ol' Sand in the Eyes
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| Even a gadget master like Batman has no clue what these are. |
No matter how bullet-proof a hero is, the eyes seem to be exactly as vulnerable as a regular person's. This ... sort of makes sense. Eyes are squishy and irritable, so it's hard to imagine them being as strong as steel. But then so is skin. If your skin was made of steel, how would you move?
How come bad guys don't ALL just rely on weapons made for hurting eyes like a ninja's black egg (a weapon comprised of things like crushed glass and pepper)? And does this mean the brain is also soft? Can you shoot a super hero in the eyes and fell them permanently? If not, just straight up stab their eyes out. They can't stop your crime spree then!
What other incredibly common weaknesses do super powered beings have? Can you kick them in the junk (or boob) to incapacitate them with pain? Can you get them to sit on a whoopie cushion and make them blush and scream, "I didn't fart! It was this cushion!" and damage their self esteem? Villains apparently need to stop coming up with grandiose schemes and just start using basic pranks!
4. "Saving the world, huh? That's great... PAY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, YA BUM!"
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| This guy cracks me up. Is he aware he's a vendor in a video game? I think he is. |
Offenders: Every RPG ever
I know people are selfish. And in the darkest of times, that is exactly when profiteers will know to strike. But even in real life there are selfless people who will donate to a good cause like, "Letting the lone hero have a couple free arrows so he can save the whole world."
For cryin' out loud, man. When I hit a vendor just before the big final battle and he still wants my cash, I can't help but sigh out loud, "Really!?" Does the hero not want to shop elsewhere? I know it may be the only vendor in-game for the player, but in the reality INSIDE the game there has to be OTHER vendors, right? And there's no "end justifies the means" angle? Can't just jack the shit and let the dumb SOB die in the apocalypse?
As far as game design goes, I don't always understand the need for money to exist in a game. If you've already staggered the time when upgrades come around, why pay for them? To me, having to save up works better when I see what I want and work towards it. When I save up cash on the off chance some random asshole will show up at the eleventh hour with an expensive super weapon... well, I know I'm clearly playing a video game.
3. Helicopters!
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| Get down! Zoooo pchow! Dooooosh! Pochhhhh! Oh my God, you're lucky to be alive! |
If video games have taught me anything, it's to never be in a helicopter for any reason. They're, like, made of explosive barrels or something. Fortunately surviving a helicopter crash is extremely easy so long as you're the primary protagonist. Yet when they attack me they all of a sudden take like ten rockets to take out. What? Bullshit, man!
I'm hoping one day someone makes a game where the opening scene involves being in a helicopter crash and then it just says "Game Over." Waka waka! Reality!
2. Mass Murderer with a Heart
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| Kill or be killed... and then come back and kill more. That's the Wild West. |
Offenders: Red Dead Redemption, L.A. Noire, many many sandbox games without a "morality" feature.
Some games are like Fallout 3: some mystical force in the universe watches your every move and lets everyone know you're a bad person through "karma." Some games give you similar amounts of freedom, but with very little fucks given about your addiction to arbitrary crimes of murder, theft, and vandalism. Sure, you'll get a fine and sent to jail. But your character is still the same and can keep going about the main story like nothing's changed.
Red Dead is a prime example because it lets you experience the freedom of the American Wild West (or at least the glorified version of it we've all come to love). Yet at the same time, John Marston, the main character, always seems concerned about what's right. He'll show respect for someone who may be a "good man" and try to do good by his fellow man. But once he's in free roam mode? All of a sudden he's a one man version of Genghis Khan's army!
I can't really say this needs fixing, though. I love goofing off and going crazy. If games want to have the story actually be affected by my mad rampages, that'll just be a nice bonus.
1. Jesus Syndrome
Offenders: Mass Effect 2, Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, Fable 2
The story of Jesus has at least once been referred to as "the greatest story ever told." Apparently, the video industry has agreed and included the whole dying and coming back thing in everything! Sure movies have the occasional Spock or Ben Kenobi making returns but it seems to be way more prevalent in video games. Or I just need to watch more movies. Maybe. I don't think I'm wrong.
But it's infrequent that this happens as a reason for a Robocop type character. And that's the best reason to die and come back! As a Goddamn cyborg! In ME2 it's just a plot convenience to give a reason for Shepard to work for terrorists, in KoA it serves to show that fate is unraveling (or something), and in Fable 2 it's done to show the main character is unkillable. While these are all well and good, they don't account for one thing: this makes the rules of the game universe really fucking weird!
Like, people can die and come back? Why is there conflict in the world? Or the character is invincible? It sure doesn't seem that way when certain games have a game over screen. This is an automatic, "Why didn't they just use a Phoenix Down on Aeris" to me!
I ask you out there this: when this happens in a story, don't you immediately think things like, "Oookay. That happened" and start questioning the logic of everything? It has that tinge that clicks in a person's mind that interrupts the flow every time! And it doesn't make the character seem cooler or more interesting. It just becomes an awkward hurdle that comes and goes for "no reason." Blah!
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