Witcher 2: Assassin of Kings (Enhanced Edition)

Rating: 1 out of 3 Stars (why out of 3 stars?)
Genre: RPG
ESRB: M (just about the hardest M can be: tons of profanity, unavoidable sex and nudity, and gore)
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): 32/20
Developer: CD Projekt RED
Wiki page

Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are about my one star rating. Just remember, though, that does not entirely make it a bad game. It just means I don't recommend it (not without a bunch of warnings, gripes, and rhetorical questions, at least). I had heard a lot about this game when it first came out. But the main thing I knew about it was that it was a PC only title. So I said "Fuck it".  Then a little over a year later it came out on XBox, so I figured I had no excuse.

This game is a fantasy RPG where the player controls a man named Geralt, whose profession is that of a Witcher (in this universe, that means he is a monster slayer). It uses a third person perspective and controls in real time, like an action game (IE. God of War). However, it does NOT shy away from being a full-blooded RPG as opposed to merely having watered down "elements" of one. So far, this game sounds a lot like it would be right up my alley, as well as a lot of other people. And it does this job well. So well that it seems to have a bit of a fanatical following. Its Wikia pages are robust and typing questions into Google generally brings up a whole discussion on the game where at least one person comments on how awesome it is. So what's so bad about it? Basically, a million little things. I don't think I can really say one piece of this game is genuinely bad, but what I did find was that I was constantly complaining as I played it. So I started a list. And, holy shit, it is a fucking long list. If you want to read it, I'll tack it on at the end of this review. If I actually elaborate on every point then this will turn into a Goddamn novel.

I randomly found a picture of Geralt as a My Little Pony while writing this.

One thing I don't want people to think is a strike against the game is the amount of gameplay hours offered. I know a few people who think RPG's need to always be some sprawling, 70+ hour game. The thing is: those games use a lot of time consuming tricks that this one doesn't. It doesn't force you to grind ridiculous amounts or invent a bunch of idiotic ways to force you to spend 10 minutes on travel time over and over. It does do SOME grindy stuff, don't get me wrong, but it is very minimal. Most of your time is actually taken up with story and conversations. I do know some people who hate games with a lot of talking, but I did say this was a "full-blooded" RPG didn't I? So that should be considered a strength when done right.

Edge of your seat excitement!

And story, for the most part, is done well. Again, there are some fans who I've read saying it's "the best story ever" and other hyperbolic mumbo jumbo but I'm a bit more picky (see list at the bottom). The plot has a definite goal in a single bad guy (something people who played Dragon Age 2 seem to think is a requirement of storytelling... because they're kinda dumb...) and yet at the same time is a journey. I appreciate that bit of cleverness as it does an effective job in holding the player's attention while still trying something broad in scope. And what RPG story wouldn't be complete without decisions? Witcher 2 has gotten some high praise in the decisions, but I've actually got mixed feelings over them. Most games give you very polar, binary decisions to make. Like in Fable 3: at some point the player is asked if he'd like to DONATE a bunch of gold to repair an orphanage OR he can choose to RECEIVE a shit load of cash from the profits of building a whorehouse. But Witcher 2 sticks to decisions that aren't clear cut at all. Does Geralt help his asshole friend go on a warpath or does he help the terrorist elf with the heart of gold? It's interesting that it forces you to think, but dammit... I just always want to play my character like Bender B. Rodriguez: rob everyone for no reason.

Clearly the best candidate for saving the world.

Combat isn't a complete success (see list at bottom), but the things attempted are ideas in the right direction. Like many action games, there are two primary attacks: one light and one heavy. But it doesn't restrict you to a bunch of stupid combo lists to achieve the best effects (Pro tip: XXY is the best combo. I don't care what game, it always is. If not, then XXXY). Despite this simplicity, there are layers of complexity and a bit of variety offered in tactics. The recent Batman: Arkham games did this the best (except there's only one attack) and I always say that more games need to rip off those two. Witcher 2 offers a few spells and numerous consumables to mix it up. And the talent tree allows the player to specialize in swords, alchemy, or magic. It doesn't have too much restriction in terms of plotting a build, so there's "infinite" customize-ability depending on your fighting style. I went with alchemy and was pretty happy spamming bombs at everyone. I appreciate that the tree is designed to let each playstyle become OP and I can feel some effort was made to balance it out. It's not completely balanced, sure, but it leads to some good arguments!

Numbers!

One last thing I wanted to touch on was how XBox handles this game. I watched some videos on the internet of people playing the PC version (I was looking for explanations of quests because some things in this game make no fucking sense, see list at bottom) and I noticed a few things: all of them have to do with graphics. How the game handles the UI and controls seems comparatively competent. Basically the textures are not as detailed, there are constant- but quick- texture pop-ins, there is a limit on draw distance, and there are more doors. It was quite funny watching people walk through areas unimpeded by the doors in my game, like some kind of alternate universe, heh. But yeah, those are additional load screens. I would say this is a limit of the 360, but the game engine is questionable. The first Witcher game used the Aurora engine (from fucking Neverwinter Nights) and I don't really know their level of technical prowess. It's no CryEngine 3. I always wonder why some games run better than others. I tend to think this is the fault of the developer, not the XBox, for not being able to work within their means.

Conclusion:
A solid RPG for those with the fortitude to withstand a game with constant flaws. If you do play, turn on subtitles! Oh, God! The mumbling!

Time for bitching! Yay!

WARNING: the following has slight spoilers. I'll be as general as possible. Bigger gripes are underlined.




-Combat in this game is clunky. What animations Geralt chooses to use are random. The difference between heavy and light attacks doesn't always make sense. Geralt is slow and easily stun-locked, this means that the ONLY way to fight is to spend all your time running in a circle. This just looks silly.

-Geralt can't use potions in combat, but the game constantly throws him into combat without being able to prepare.

-Alchemy ingredients weigh nothing, but potions have weight. This makes me carry around ingredients but no potions to cheat the system. Potions should be weightless as well.

-Geralt can't redrink potions. So if you have 30 seconds left on your buffs, it's best to simply wait around until they fall off (sometimes the wait feature does not let you use it due to the story or something)

-Constant blinking. Going between screens always causes a flash of a black screen. This is hard on the eyes.

-Can't reach oils from meditation screen. I really feel like all enhancements should be reachable from one menu. I have to keep closing and opening windows so damn constantly.

-Oils, potions, ingredients, and bombs are not separated on the alchemy screen. They're all just mashed together in the order you purchased the recipes.

-Throwing daggers, traps, enhancements, weapons, clothing, and ingredients are not separated at the crafting screen. Again, thrown together in the order you bought them.

-Recipes are not unique. The game doesn't bother to stop you from re-buying the same recipe.

-Buffs still count down during conversations and cutscenes. This means I will often save before a conversation, watch it all, and then reload the game if the conversation leads to a fight (cannot drink potions in combat).

-Throwing daggers are crafted one at a time. BULLSHIT.

-Throwing daggers only have one talent that affects them and it is a static bonus. There is only one throwing dagger recipe and they scale poorly as a result.

-Item "rarity" is disproportionate. The most valuable item in the game seems to be oil. I have a shit load of Goddamn diamonds but nothing to do with them. Ridiculous!

-Randomness of alchemy ingredients! Skyrim is a better system: you can experiment based on what you find and once you learn to like certain ingredients, you can figure out where they grow. In this game, random shit just grows everywhere and there is no experimentation and no way to farm specific ingredients.

-Inventory is not organized. It's not alphabetic and it changes randomly on its own. There are no features to let me organize it myself. This is an OCD person's nightmare!

-Geralt cannot intelligently loot items. He can only loot everything all at once.

-Sometimes unable to loot things highlighted by medallion.

-Day cycle does not work. I cannot tell if it is night or day by looking at the fucking sky. I can only tell the specific time by meditating and looking at the "wait" screen.

-When following an NPC through a door, he/she will close it in your face.

-Superfluous amount of mutagens. There is no way to undo the use of a mutagen, so it's best to wait until you have a good one. Also, you only use ~5 of these in the entire game. There's no way to use lesser mutagens to make biggers ones. So why do I have so damn many of these things?

-Mutagens are not explained. Apparently, you HAVE to read the manual. I like manuals and all, but fuck you!

-"When poisoned" is not explained. The best talents in the alchemy tree all require this state. This is NOT in the manual. Searching the internet only brought up theories and no exact answers.

-Ability to close distance with sliding attacks is completely inconsistent. Sometimes Geralt will swing at the air with his enemy 10 feet away, sometimes he'll do a reckless jump just to reach someone in arm's reach.

-Kayran boss fight clunkiness: the trap, while good for an achievement, is so slow that it generally gets you hit. The ramp you run up to get on top of the Kayran has misplaced invisible walls. This fight is awkward overall.

-Letho boss fight clunkiness: there is a huge amount of talking beforehand, hard to get potions up. His "Quen" spell makes him totally invincible and Geralt becomes staggered if he sword strikes the shield. Room is far too tiny for this fight. Cutscene shows lots of clashing of swords, but clashing swords is never advisable in this game.

-Completely inconsistent animations: enemies are invulnerable during animations like casting or unsheathing weapons. These are times of incredibly HIGH vulnerability for Geralt and anything based in logic. Also, Geralt seems more prone to falling down and fumbling around during combat than anyone he fights.

-Geralt randomly will use items in combat more slowly than normal.

-Geralt sometimes does not do things I tell him to the first time. I've had this happen with things like opening doors and even combat related things like unsheathing a sword or using an item. And I'll just stand perfectly still like a moron. C'mon, Geralt, move your ass!

-Instant kill animation is so disorienting, it actually is a huge DISadvantage in combat.

-Sometimes Geralt will turn while rolling instead of just instantly rolling in that direction. This causes him to roll in a fucking circle!!!

-Defenseless during transitioning between areas. Things can still hit Geralt (and damage him) while he stands still and waits for the loading screen to come up.

-Wildly inconsistent damage, even while fighting the EXACT same monsters after reloading. Never could figure this out. Damage numbers, please?

-RPG difficulty curve stupidness. Game is difficult in the beginning. But once I had a bunch of cool talents and items, the game was nothing but a walk in the park.

-Yrden sign is bullshit. This spell makes people completely defenseless. It's the only way to beat certain early encounters, too. No traps are this effective.

-Trap blast radius is much larger than the trigger area. And because these take so long to set up and can hurt Geralt, I never use them.

-Did this game have no sound engineer? Volume of dialogue is wildly inconsistent. Some lines were clearly increased in volume in some crude way as there is audible distortion.

-Idiotic monologuing as bad guys escape. Roche at one point is standing over his prey, about to strike, when he hears some people in the distance. He then takes a whole minute explaining that he wished he had time to kill the person, and then runs away.

-Pacta Sunt Servana: could have been great if rest of game wasn't so clumsy. Lots of subtleties and hints of deeper issues, but I guess I assumed these were accidental and "failed" the quest.

-"Help Dethmold in his necromantic ritual" has incorrect pacing. Your speed is very limited, but I failed several times for walking too fast. I had to make sure the NPC's said everything, I was not allowed to simply follow the NPC like the game told me to do.

-Witchers are experts on monsters... so why do I need books to teach Geralt about monsters?

-One creature Geralt encounters often is called a "Nekker". The translation team probably should have chosen another name. There is a book called "Nekkers in the Mist" in the game. Is this a reference to "Gorillas in the Mist"? Isn't "gorilla" also a kind of racial slur for the same thing? What the fuck!?

-Geralt hates thieves, but spends most of game freely looting people's houses and containers.

-Vergen has no craftsmen or storage. This subzone renders Geralt unable to deal with his (my?) crippling OCD.

-Skalen Burdon is a moron. He's supposed to be a good gambler, but gives free gifts to people who defeat him. Also, one of his gifts didn't exist in my game.

-Storage system bullshit. I understand this causes the player to manage his inventory more closely. But when entering chapter 2 and 3, I spent the first hour slowly walking everywhere trying to find the damn thing so that I could get underburdened and run again!

-Relying on checkpoints is virtually hopeless. Here's a hint to all developers: game needs to save BEFORE and after every fight. Saving before would also help with the clumsy potion system in this game.

-Upside down map. Certain races (all of them?) in this universe place south at the top of the map instead of north. There are some quests that rely on reading maps from an item or journal entry rather than using your own, and sometimes they disagree on which way north is. There is no indication of north when you are simply walking around in-game, so this is just confusing for no reason.

-Map is quick to change-over to the world map when zooming, making it impossible to see the map of the area you are in all at once. This world map does not match your physical location enough to be of any help. Also, when changing screens, the map seems to re-center wherever the hell it pleases.

-In cutscenes, Geralt displays uncanny senses; hearing and smelling things that are completely undetectable. In normal combat, this is nonexistent; creatures and people easily sneak up on you.

-Radar does not work. Sometimes enemies do not appear on it, sometimes they appear on it forever despite being dead.

-No log of items received from quest completion. Sometimes I saw a list blink very quickly, but most of the time it was a fucking mystery.

-Low xp for kills, high xp for quests. This is a good idea for MMO's to use in order to try to quell bot'ers, but is unnecessary here. I leveled up a total of ONE time from killing things out in the field. As a result, I would often level up multiple times when returning to town. This made the pacing of the character development uneven and weird.

-Morial, the pregnant elf nonsense: some random broad shows up in the middle of the main story. She seems to serve no purpose but to remind the player that this is indeed a DARK fantasy setting. Geralt decides to give the baby to someone I've never seen before. So... huh? It's only mentioned one other time later in the story as a still image as Geralt reflects on his time in that town. The image shows the scene unfolding out of order.

-Amnesia is stupid, Cedric implies he knows something and that Geralt needs his memory to understand. Why doesn't he just tell him? Fuck you, Cedric!

-Invincible spawns when trying to see the Visionary. If Geralt enters the area from a secondary path it will fuck up the scripting for an event required to complete the quest. This quest is required to complete the main story, and this can therefore block progression.

-Use of the word "emo". Doesn't this word come from the music genre? That makes the use of this word by NPC's completely out of character and out of place.

-Able to play as Roche and King Henselt, but they are terrible. They cannot dodge and have no items or spells nor can they use any of Geralt's talents. They have nothing to compensate for this downside except high health and damage. Because of this, I got my ass beat when I played as the King. Regardless, the game then showed a cutscene with the King fighting a pretty even match.

-Dice poker awkwardness. First of all, this isn't "Poker" because these dice only have six sides. Poker is 1-10 and then three face cards. 5 of a kind is not possible with one deck of cards. Regardless, the problem is that the rules are never actually explained. Poker is pretty well known, but I think this still should be explained. The camera angles during the game are absurd; you can't see anything that is happening. The camera goes overhead once you have rolled so you can see your dice. However, the dice are so small that this game is likely impossible to play on a lot of TV's. I'm not sure how people could play this on PC!

-Unclear chat options. This is critical in a game where just about every choice can affect the game and potentially kill you. Ex: "I don't want coin". This phrase came after I asked someone for payment. I was hoping to ask for an item, it turns out Geralt decided he no longer wanted payment.  Another one: "I'm leaving with Triss." This was the only chat option available and because of the story it suggested that I was going to screw up the entire plot of the game. Fortunately Geralt decided to talk like a human being a couple lines later and didn't force me to reload from a previous save to try to figure out how to get a different conversation.

-Some quests can be failed. This is normally fine, except sometimes they get marked as failed when you *complete* in an alternate method.

-There's a quest where the dialogue says to talk to both NPC's involved, but *quest text* suggests talking to Roche and Iorveth are exclusive choices. It turns out that they are indeed exclusive and which one you choose SHAPES THE REST OF THE GAME.

-Sometimes the dialogue falls into the RPG pitfall of "being a bunch gibberish and politics."

-Unable to change the buttons. I kept pressing "A" to dodge, but that is the attack button! Agh!

-Once uncovered, the main bad guy's motives didn't really make sense to me.

Prey

Rating: 2 out of 3 Stars (why out of 3 stars?)
Genre: First person shooter; Sub-genre: Puzzles
ESRB: M (for violent gunplay, some profanity, and gross alien technology)
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): 10/6
Developer: Human Head Studios
Wiki page

I was a bit dismayed when E3 2012 rolled around and I didn't see any more information on Prey 2. I actually took the time to play Prey for the first time (it was originally released in 2006) because I was curious as to what the hell the game was. When I read about Prey, I discovered that the main character is Native American and has some kind of Native American themed super powers. It sounded like just the right kind of wacky nonsense I could get behind!

Tommy's spirit walks out of his own body. Whoooooaaaa.

I also read about how chronic game-killer 3D Realms had started this project back in the 90's, only to have it finished by a different company 10 years later. Is that, like, their thing? Well, I'm pretty sure no one's giving them money any more, so hopefully that will stop happening. Normally something like that would be the death of a game as far as quality goes. Surprisingly, I read many reviews that were quite positive. More surprisingly, the depiction of Native Americans was noted as tasteful. The man who voices Tommy (the main character), Michael Greyeyes, has nothing but kind words for the process of voicing for the game. After playing the game, I came to find that this is actually pretty decent. And there's a good sense of drama and pacing.

Machine guns instantly create drama and fix pacing.

But it IS still a first person shooter about fighting aliens. More so, it's an OLD game with even older designs left over from when development first started. So don't start expecting "Citizen Kane" or anything, it's pretty damn wacky.

This comes off as both a relief and a little bit dated. It's a relief to play a game where all the guns are very different and have two triggers. Enemies are meant to be danced around rather than hiding from them all day using cover. Also, Tommy can take a lot of damage and does not have health regeneration. It's dated in its level design: silly rooms with no realistic function that connect to each other in illogical ways. It's from a time when levels didn't necessarily look like a real place and were more or less just a series of polygons arranged in a way that looks cool and provides appropriate space for combat. One thing that's still pretty new are the portals. Yep, just like in that one game everyone loves. Except this game came out a year earlier (although these are used more as a cool transition effect than major gameplay element).

AND there aren't any machine guns in this game! Ohhhhhhhhh!

I don't want to talk too much about the story. I know I always stick to generalizations, but I think a lot of stuff in this game works as a bit of a surprise. I will say, again, that the pacing is amazing. I was expecting a very slow build-up but it all starts right away. And at the same time the game manages to get all the necessary details of the characters and their motivations very quickly and effectively. My only complaint is the ending: I'm not really sure where Tommy is, physically, during some important moments. Oh, no! The ending is clearly terrible! Everyone, boycott the franchise!

All those hundreds of hours (and counting) of enjoyment were a lie! Wahhhh!

The gameplay is effective, for the most part. It will be a blast from the past navigating all the weapons and shooting space minotaurs, so modern audiences could potentially feel a bit bored. And Tommy doesn't fall out of an exploding helicopter ONCE. What the hell, 2006?

My feelings on the "puzzle" aspects of the game are a bit mixed. On the one hand, they are visually and technically interesting. Lots of use of "5D" space and gravity (by the way, Super Mario Galaxy came out in 2007, a year later as well) which is cool, but it doesn't affect the gameplay much. Most of the time, the answer to the "puzzle" is to simply use the spirit walk power to bypass terrain obstacles. That's it. And the gravity aspects mostly just disorient you; they are not challenging, necessarily. Sometimes you have to fight while upside-down or whatever. All this means is taking unavoidable damage. Wooo. I tend to refer to these as "non-puzzles". I thought of this term when I was playing one of the God of War games. A lot of people think those puzzles are great. I do not consider "finding out what is clickable" to be a puzzle. However, there were a couple puzzles that actually took me a few minutes to figure out, so some good came from them. All in all, they are not "bad" at all. Just... not puzzles, man.

Kill a guy and he falls up! Wakka wakka!

I really wanted to try the multiplayer. I looked at the leaderboards and saw that there was a "weekly" ladder with a bunch of people on it, so I thought I'd get the chance. But when I clicked on "find game", it waited a total of zero seconds before saying "There are no games". I created my own game and left it open in the background while I did something on the computer. One or two hours later, nothing changed. Oh, well. It looks cool, though.

Conclusion:
A solid enough game to justify the $2.90 I spent on it for sure. If you want an old school-ish FPS treat then try it out. The game is old enough, though, that I can't give it the strongest recommendation. And the non-functional multiplayer is unfortunate.

Post E3 2012 Predictions!

I was about to write a retro-review for the game "Prey" when I realized I had a chance to do something a little different this week. This might even seem a bit timely! I hope this gives a bit of insight into the game industry, as well as shining some light on some of my biases. Like the Wii U: what the fuck is that? Nintendo should just re-release the SNES since that's the last good console they've made. Hell, they re-hash everything so much they might as well. Anywho, I am going to stick to a simple list of NEW GAMES coming out and I'll give each a little paragraph of my thoughts. This won't be all of the games announced, because there were hundreds of 'em for crying out loud.

-Aliens: Colonial Marines
I haven't played a game based on this franchise that I've liked since the Aliens Vs. Predator arcade game. It just seems to fall into that unfortunate category of games created off of pre-established franchises. And those are generally terrible. I believe the "ET" game for Atari might have started this trend. HOWEVER it is being developed by Gearbox, the company that made Borderlands. So I have a little bit of faith that this game will at least be "tolerable" and at best fans of "Aliens" will be pleased.

I predict I will skip this game.

-Assassin's Creed 3
I've tried to play each of the Creed games at one point or another and always ended up bored. I did find screwing around to be generally hilarious, which may be the direction this series is taking. Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that a Native American is assassinating British officers for America? I keep wondering if this is a joke. I do think they're doing a lot to make this game very different from the previous entries, but most of that is in setting. I'm willing to bet the gameplay will be as tedious as ever. And the fact that you won't have crowded, beautiful cities to explore seems like a dangerous thing to throw away.

I predict I will avoid this game.

-Borderlands 2
I already have spent countless hours on the first game, and actually am in the middle of starting a new game up with a friend that myself and another friend are introducing it to. I did feel like there were a number of things that could have been improved or more in-depth, so hopefully Gearbox will take the chance to do so now.

I predict I will love this game. Possible contender for 2012 game of the year.

-Call of Duty: Black Ops 2
I think anyone who played any of the recent Call of Duty games should be able to accurately predict how this game will turn out. I saw video of how the game will play like Star Wars Battlefront in the single player, which is very different. So maybe that will count for something. Typically I fall asleep within the first level of a "realistic" shooter and immediately have to start screwing around to entertain myself. As such, I've avoided the single player campaign in every single CoD game thus far. The nonsensical storytelling (or perhaps "storyshouting") will likely return, so I'll continue to not remember what the fuck happens in these games. I also heard talk that they'll add so many changes to Zombie mode that it'll feel like an entire game in itself. I didn't hear talk that they were going to make it "fun", so fuck that. For those of you keeping track, this one is made by Treyarch. The "Modern Warfare" titles are made by Infinity Ward. I do trust Treyarch to put more effort into the game, especially with how little was changed in MW3. I didn't come across any talk of changes to multiplayer, which is the only reason to play this game.

I predict I will play the hell out of multiplayer and avoid everything else, per usual with CoD games.

So... this SS is a bit dark. Well, it has the most stuff in it. Sorry.

-Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2
There was also a handheld that was announced, but I don't care about handhelds. Unfortunately, all I have seen of this game is a bit of a teaser trailer with no actual gameplay in it. Bleh. So the first thing I noticed is that the game looks 10 times more Dynasty Warriors than the previous game, which would be a DRASTIC change to how this game flows. I'm not sure if we'll get to play as Gabriel this time around, or this new white-haired fellow (fans suggest this is Alucard). So long as the original developers get to have control, it should provide for interesting twists in the game rather than feel like they trashed the original. I can't be sure, though, since there were some moments in the first game where I wondered if Hideo Kojima and his outdated Japanese antics interfered with the thought processes of the Spanish developer, MercurySteam. Some of his ideas might be good (I heard the game originally wasn't related to Castlevania at all... I think that was a good change... maybe) but I just hope he doesn't force anything stupid on the game.

I predict I will play this game and not understand it, but will hopefully grow to love it over time. Like the first one, heh.

-Crysis 3
If you own an overly expensive PC and want to show up console lovers with awesome graphics, the Crysis series has you covered. Just keep in mind it won't make you feel better when those console lovers shrug and go back to playing Crysis 3 on their console along with a bunch of other games because they actually enjoy playing video games and not just acting like an elitist dick. Whoa, sorry. That was... unnecessary, ahem. Anywho, I'm not really convinced this is a game. I played Crysis 2 and I couldn't help but feel like it was a "tech demo". Which... yeah, it pretty much is. I'm not sure if this game is open-world or not, but Crysis 2 sure as shit was NOT. Even though people said it was. I don't like being lied to!

I predict this game will be pretty (on consoles as well).

-Darksiders 2
I know there are some people who really loved the first game. I got it used for $20, and felt like I got my money's worth. Something about it just seemed kinda derivative and formulaic. Once I heard someone describe it as "like Zelda", I think I then got it. Also, the setting doesn't work for me. The world is already destroyed, so there's nothing at stake. And the world is so cartoony that it clashes with the tone of the story. This game is clearly going to continue on these concepts, but they are making some changes to gameplay. I noticed there seems to be randomized items and damage numbers now, so it's like a full on RPG and stuff.

I predict I will be cautious and try this after seeing other people try it.

 -Dead Space 3
I bought Dead Space 1 when it first came out for full price, I still haven't beaten it. Survival horror is just stressful, man. Despite the fact that this game keeps moving away from horror towards action, it has proven time and again as a superior game to both Resident Evil and any "Aliens" game. Especially since it steals (and cleans up) Resident Evil's controls and does the same for Aliens (at least when it comes to a setting that works for a video game). The addition of co-op won't hurt this new title either since you can still play the game solo WITHOUT a bot helper. See what I mean? Waaay smarter than Resident Evil.

I predict I will continue to admire this game from the sidelines.

-Defiance
This game is being launched simultaneously with a new show on the SyFy channel, based in the same world. This is a pretty risky move, especially when you consider how shitty most SyFy movies and shows are (the writing can potentially be good, but effects? Ha!). It's the first MMO shooter out there, so that's 2 more risks they're taking; the first being that MMO's are terrible and the second being that MMO players are terrible at shooters. Will the players have to... like... aim? In real time? I don't know, man. It does have a distinct advantage of being released on consoles and not just PC, so that will help sales (they stated that each system will have separate servers from each other, so no arguments over mouse aim superiority in PvP).

I predict hilariousness.

-Dishonored
One of the new IP's announced, this is a first person stealth game set in some kind of steampunk universe. There are magic powers and I heard the developers drop the name "Deus Ex" as an influence, so there's a bit of promise. I don't always have the patience for stealth games, though.

I predict a sleeper hit.

-DmC: Devil May Cry
Well, first off I think this game wins the award for "Most redundant title". They probably should have called it "Devil May Cry Zero" or... anything else, but whatever. I'm not really sure who this game is for: new gamers or fans of the series. It looks like some kind of forced reboot more than a prequel. I didn't play the original series for some reason, but it still seems overly Japanese.

I predict a misfire.

-The Elder Scrolls Online
What's great about The Elder Scrolls series is that you get all these cool MMO features, but it's not an MMO! Hey, here's an idea: they should put all the BAD things about MMO's into The Elder Scrolls by making it an MMO! Who wants to make a unique character out of all the skills in the game when they can be forced into a role-based combat system? Hey, let's make exploration of dungeons more fun by having players get yelled at by their guild to go to a specific dungeon to help the guild and then get yelled at again if they don't have the entire dungeon memorized! Yaaaaaaaaaay!

I predict: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

-Epic Mickey 2: The Power of Two
The first game was mediocre so now there's a second one? Who's "Oswald the lucky rabbit"? I don't care, does anyone? Eh, at least people will be able to play this one on a console that doesn't suck.

I predict I will continue to not care. You know what I want instead of this? "Gritty Donald", complete with an "M" rating. Yeah, he could rage out and pummel people to death with his fists! THAT would be edgy, Disney. Not this crap.

-F1 2012
I don't care for racing games myself. I just felt like letting people know that there actually is a legit type of racing sport in the world. NASCAR is straight-up bullshit, yo.

I predict no one in America will buy this game.

-Fable: The Journey
Ha ha, good one! Oh, wait. This is a totally real game. A game where you have to sit there and drive a wagon using a whipping motion with the Kinect. Really.

I predict this game will become illegal after it starts killing people with boredom.

-Gears of War: Judgement
That's right, I added an "e" to judgment. I hate the e-less spelling. So anyway, this is another Gears game. Not much to be said, other than they seem to think people give a shit about the story. Come on. This is a game where cubes of muscle attack other cubes of muscle with chainsaws attached to assault rifles. And if you actually do pay attention to the story, chances are you'll end up scratching your head. I always do, and then promptly forget it all.

I predict I'm going to sit this one out this time. Although it still will be a well-received shooter.

-God of War: Ascension
Boy, oh boy. Talk about disappointment. For me personally, mind you. This will likely be a great exclusive for PS3 owners to taunt XBox owners with (they won't taunt Wii owners at this point because that would just be cruel). I'm disappointed, though, because this is a prequel of some kind. And the gameplay looks too rigidly stuck in GoW's previous games. But mostly I wanted to see Kratos move on to other mythologies like Norse, Egyptian and Christianity. Man... I really wanted to see a game where Jesus says "All is forgiven, Kratos." Then Kratos goes berserk and takes a swing at him and Jesus rips off his shirt to reveal his steroid-infused muscular chest and screams, "Let's do this, Spartan!" And then many fist fights happen. That wouldn't be offensive, right?

I predict I will play this game because my brother will have already bought it anyway.

-Halo 4
The game series that simultaneously put both XBox on the map and killed PC gaming (FPS's were pretty terrible on consoles before this game, which is a pretty damn big genre). A lot is riding on this one, and Bungie (the original game developer) is not the brains behind it this time. From what I've heard, though, it seems like 343 Industries has done a LOT of work on the franchise already: namely comics and novels, which have been adored by the franchise's fans. It also might have an advantage in that people might be tired of CoD and could use a return to the super heroics of Mr. Master Chief. I've heard talks of loadouts and possible killstreaks in the multiplayer, which could mean lovely changes to its gameplay. Personally I am EXTREMELY tired of starting matches with the worst gun in the game and being forced to find a better one, so hopefully loadouts will be REAL (the loadouts in Reach were pretty much a lie) and will mean the guns will be balanced.

I predict this game will sell a lot of copies and that I won't be able to sit idly by.

-Hitman: Absolution
I never played the previous games in the series, but a friend showed me a level where he stole a clown's clothes in order to sneak into a party before secretly murdering some of the party goers. That was one of the funniest intended moments I've seen in a game. No one suspected the creepy clown with the barcode tatooed on the back of his head? No one? Amazing. But as I said before, I don't always have the patience to play stealth games.

I predict this will be a perfectly good entry in the Hitman series.

-Injustice: Gods Among Us
Nothing in the title of this game suggests it's either a fighting game or a game featuring DC super heroes. Guess what? It's both. I'm not some marketing genius or anything, but to me that suggests this title is TERRIBLE. At any rate, this game is made by the same people who make Mortal Kombat. So... it'll suck. Badly.

I predict sales will be hurt by the title, and then hurt more once people get to play it.

-The Last of Us
Developer Naughty Dog has been responsible for the amazing series "Uncharted". This directly means that 100% of the sales of PS3 consoles are thanks to them (math may be slightly exaggerated). But now they have come by with something that will initially sound overdone: a zombie apocalypse. Looking at the detail of the animations, and knowing that the drama of the story will be driven by both interesting characters and some strange concoction called "good writing" this actually stands a good chance to be game of the year when it comes out. Unlike non-games like Heavy Rain, there also is gameplay in this game, too. The ONLY bad thing I can say about this title is that it is a PS3 exclusive. Sadly, Naughty Dog is owned by Sony.

I predict this game will be so good I'll cry. Also because it will be very very sad.

-Lollipop Chainsaw
This title really wants people to think that it's "so dumb it's funny" or ... something. But for fuck's sake, people. This is called "pandering". Look at this shit. They took Dynasty Warriors, made the enemies EVEN DUMBER but gave them a zombie skin. Then they reduced the cast of playable characters down to one, and her list of moves down to "chainsaw" and "shake your ass". If this game costs more than $5, you will be wasting your money.

I predict this will be used as a negative example in all future arguments over whether video games can be considered art.

-Lost Planet 3
Despite Lost Planet 2's best efforts to sink the franchise, there will apparently be a sequel! No wait, it's a prequel. Man, numbers are hard to like... know. At any rate, it's being developed by a Western company, but Kenji Oguro is still the game's director. Capcom hasn't had a good track record of picking out Western developers lately, either, so this will at best be mediocre.

I predict this might be the last game from this odd series.

-Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
Does Hideo Kojima know that's not a word? Someone should probably tell him. The title of this game literally sounds like an album name the show Metalocalypse would come up with. Well, it still needs the word "death" somewhere in there, but otherwise I think that's an accurate assessment. And once again, this game just looks like it'll be too Japanese. I'm sorry! I remember the days when Japanese games defined the art, too, but those days are just long gone.

I predict this game will be exactly as confused as Metal Gear Solid 4.

-Persona 4 Arena
I'm convinced that Atlus hates their fans. Or their jobs, or both. At least this game is being released on consoles and not just handhelds. I'm not sure the same will be said of Persona 5, if it ever comes out.

I predict Japanese people will love this game for a week or two before going back to practice combos in Marvel Vs. Capcom.

-Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale
To clarify, this is actually "Sony Smash Brothers". There seems to be an error going around E3 and the internet where it has a different title for some reason. I haven't seen too much on this game yet, but it could potentially stand to improve on a lot of things that "Brawl" didn't quite do right. Too bad I don't know any PS3 owners who own more than one controller or use their consoles for things other than playing Blu-Rays.

I predict I'll have to see how this game runs on PSN before buying. And Nathan Drake better be S tier, Goddammit.

-Resident Evil 6
Ah, yes. If you ever wanted to play a game that explains how out-of-touch Japanese developers are these days, look no further than Resident Evil 6. At this point in the series, anything remotely feeling like Resident Evil is completely gone. Now you have a bot teammate and super-linear levels where helicopters and random shit keeps exploding a la Call of Duty.

I predict you'll know what I mean once you get to play this game, but are probably angry with me in the present.

-Sleeping Dogs
The title here is also pretty misleading, but that's due to some kind of copyright issues with leaving Activision or something (the game originally was part of the True Crime series) so I won't poke fun at them for that. This looks to be your standard GTA clone, except that you get to be some kind of Kung Fu Chinese person in Hong Kong. Pretty cool changes, I can definitely get behind the concept. I love seeing video games or movies or any kind of story where the hero isn't some generic white guy. I don't know if that's racist or something, but I mean... Tom Cruise was The Last Samurai? You can't tell me that wasn't bullshit. Psh! Marketing! This game is also made by a Western developer. Imagine that, Japan. You and your strange love of Aryans creeps me out sometimes.

I predict this game will be way better than GTA, but it will fly over most people's radars.

-Spec Ops: The Line
There's a demo out for this game right now! You can download it over XBox Live or PSN! And... uh, well that was enough to sell me on downloading a game being shown at E3. This is another realistic shooter. What makes it different from CoD? Well, it's in third-person. Also, the story looks like it might be coherent. Which is kind of a remarkable feat when comparing it to CoD since the story is some kind of homage to "Heart of Darkness".

I predict CoD will overshadow this game, no matter how good this turns out.

-Star Wars: 1313
Ha ha! So LucasArts drops BioWare from making Star Wars games, right? So BioWare makes their own "Star Wars" with Mass Effect. Mass Effect became a huge hit. Now Star Wars is looking to make their own "Mass Effect"! Ahh, hahahaha! Ahhhh. This amuses me. But seriously, it's a third person shooter where you're a bounty hunter in the shady underbelly of Coruscant. Just so long as the main character never becomes a Jedi, I'm sold!

I predict that I will have to have this. Muhhhhh, Star Wars good! Muhhhh!

-Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Blacklist
Sam Fisher turns into some kind of Jason Statham and murders people with his time-travelling Kung Fu. He doesn't even give a fuck if the sun is out as he will wear his night vision goggles whenever he damn well pleases. Seriously though, what's going on with this franchise? And why is Tom Clancy's name still on these titles? Aggggh! My brain!

I predict this will be a fun <8 hour game... with no stealth.

-Transformers: Fall of Cybertron
This is a follow-up to the game "War for Cybertron", and has nothing to do with the Michael Bay films.  Even so, it was a bit of a surprise when it turned out that game was somewhat decent. This game looks like it plans to improve on what they did last time (although the campaign mode looks much the same to me so far) so it may even prove to be a "good" game. I heard the developers say that you can spend hours "in the menus alone" on multiplayer because you can create your own custom Transformer. Sweet! I can't wait to fight a bunch of flying dildoes that will inevitably be made by everyone ever!

I predict I will have a good time with this game, but it might require a strong love of the franchise to enjoy thoroughly.

-Watch Dogs
I'm a little in the dark with this one. It's a new IP, and I didn't see too much of the gameplay. Basically it reminds of some kind of "GTA meets Assassin's Creed". Also, there's a bunch of hacking and conspiracies to uncover, so it may be a bit like Deus Ex. It seems to be generating positive responses, but I'm a bit skeptical. Mostly because I'm very picky about open world games; I tend to get lost and screw around and then quit playing.

I predict I will get lost and then screw around and then quit playing.

-X-Com: Enemy Unknown
Okay, so I'm super excited about this game. Not that I'm a fan of the series (never played it before) but it's a turn-style game with Sci-Fi and guns and and and... it's made by Firaxis! "Alpha Centauri" is one of my favorite games, and as outdated as turn-style games are I still love 'em! You know how assholes keep giving money to Telltale Games because they make those stupid point-and-click adventure games? I'm that way with turn-style! Not that JRPG crap where you can't move, though. You need to be able to move, man. Gimme that old DnD feel!

I predict that regardless of how good this game is, I will enjoy it much more than I should.