Wednesday, August 28, 2013

5 Pro Tips for ALL Games

Most movies follow a three act structure, and most modern music is set to a 4/4 beat. Naturally, there are commonalities in video games. While I can't assume knowing these things means I can teach you how to make a game (unless you actually have a job making games, in which case I will pretend to know more than you do) I CAN use this knowledge to bestow you goobers with fundamentals that will allow you to have a kind of video game "Spider Sense" and also give you strategies on how to avoid things like "dying constantly."

Because these are fundamentals, they are incredibly basic. But if playing games with online modes has taught me anything it's that people have no freaking common sense. Or, at least, have not developed a common sense for video games. So listen up, you damn dirty children!



5. Unless There's a Timer on the Screen, There is No Time Limit

The one exception that immediately comes to mind is the recent Max Payne 3. And most modern games will give you some visual to indicate if something is getting away from you like a villain you are engaged in a foot chase with. But most of the time the absolute best thing to do when slapped with a deadly ultimatum is relax. It's actually quite stupid because developers will try to trick you by making the shiniest goodies only available during this time. These goodies are usually entirely missable if you follow the story and hurry to the objective.

FF7 is probably the best example. In the late game the main villain, Sephiroth, summons a meteor that will destroy the planet if the player doesn't hurry up. But it doesn't matter! What matters more is finishing up that Chocobo training and getting Knights of the Round!



4. Go the Wrong Way First


Nowadays, just about every game has collectibles in it. And games like The Last of Us and Bioshock Infinite have tons of items that are actually useful secreted away in obscure locations for clever players to find. Want to know how to find 75% of them? Go the wrong way first!

Level designers don't like making things that the player won't see. So if the game tells you to go one way but there's definitely a second way to go, you can bet that the second way will have some stuff stashed away like ammo or power-ups.



3. Bad Guys Don't Like it When You Do Objectives


Plain and simple. Is the room empty? Is there a generator or switch you need to hit? Brace yourself. The second you touch that thing the bad guys will straight up teleport right behind you and en masse. It doesn't matter what the rules are of the game or the game's universe; they will teleport!

It also doesn't matter how smart they are. I've noticed that even the most brainless zombie-type enemy will know EXACTLY when you are doing something critical to your survival and will strategically decide to bum rush you to stop you from doing it.



2. Fire Explosive Weapons at Your Enemies' Feet

The Halo series requires this knowledge to this day.
Have you ever noticed how hard it can be to hit a moving target with a fully automatic machine gun? How is it that most people then do not calculate how much harder it will be to hit the same target with a projectile that flies at half speed that can only be fired once? Stop trying to land a direct hit! The blast usually gets the job done. Get that blast to go off kinda near them by shooting the ground. The blast is a lot bigger than the rocket!

The worst offender I've come across are players of Mass Effect 3's multiplayer. The Missile Launcher (which is a misnomer, because the rockets are not guided) has a blast radius the size of a living room and does an amount of damage that's enough to one shot EVERYTHING. This is a valuable consumable! Think before you waste it!



1. Diligence!


At first I thought this idea was going away; that you should do every side quest and explore everything in order to beef up your character. Developers now fear putting in content that players will refer to as a "grind." They want players to feel like every action is immediately important and pushes the story forward. But now that "free-to-play" games are here, it's more important than ever.

Plants Vs. Zombies 2 came out for iOS recently. It constantly offers the player ways to skip through the game to access new levels or items. But if you play the game like it's old school by going through EVERY level and doing EVERY little mission and task then you can play the game entirely for free (unless you want a few extra pricey power-ups).

What is this? Diligence in a game like BioShock Infinite or The Last of Us will allow you to make your character stronger. That's still true of free-to-play games... sometimes. But designing games to work this way means that only impatient people have to pay while the people who play way more will be doing so with no cost. So you pay money to get LESS game? I can't help but call this concept an "idiot tax." Sorry if that's rude. But you should worry more that game makers are trying to trick you out of your cash. Don't let them!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

5 Video Game Catch Phrases to Yell at Real Life

Been a while since I made a dumb list. And last time I talked about catch phrases it was things I made up myself (or got from SOME where) that were meant to be therapeutic in treating game rage. But you know what's more aggravating than video games can ever be? Real life. So I'm flipping it around and taking some things from video games that I've heard over the years and found myself quoting out loud at varying situations.

Why? Well, sometimes profanity doesn't get the job done. And these are more fun!




5. "I can't move!"


From: Captain America and the Avengers (arcade)

Sample: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGuK8g3XHeQ&feature=youtu.be&t=5m

I have a real distaste for having my movement restricted. So do a lot of people since car traffic is a common ailment among many people on this planet. But what makes this one so much fun- like a lot of these entries- is the delivery. Note the Shatner-esque, dramatic pausing between each word. The hero (they all have the same voice) tries to stand up and shudders in terrible pain, only to collapse back down to the ground.

And who doesn't love being that overdramatic in the mundane situations of every day, non-super hero life? I know I do!


4. "By the gods, there's a psychopath on the loose!"



From: The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (XBox 360, PS3, PC)

Sample: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpG4TdoGLmE

I don't understand people a lot of times. I know most people don't understand one another. Who made this horrible mess in the office kitchen? Which roommate ate all the food and left the rest of us to starve? By the gods, there's a psychopath on the loose! What other explanation could there be for such a heinous act?

It's also a good mnemonic device for remembering the difference between "loose" and "lose."


3. "Try to transport fuel NOW, you pipeline jerks!"



From: Just Cause 2 (XBox 360, PS3, PC)

Sample: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nt9DHAubfOY

This is gonna be a stretch. I can't help it. Is Rico saying that the PIPELINES are jerks? Or the people who made them? I prefer to think it's the former, rather than think this is some kind of weird attempt at English by the Swedish developers who made the game.

When do I say this? Iunno. Whenever. Usually after performing some act of petty revenge, like taking the last piece of company birthday cake when getting seconds because you didn't get any last time.


2. "This is why everyone keeps dying!"



From: Dynasty Warriors: Gundam (XBox 360, PS3, PS2)

Sample: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKC0pYL-4gc&feature=youtu.be&t=8m10s

This comes with its own catch phrase to yell back. That being, "Because you keep killing them!"

Sometimes problems in life are futile and pointless. Sometimes these problems are your own fault. It's fun to sarcastically take accountability, I say.


1. John Marston hates nature


From: Red Dead Redemption (XBox 360, PS3, PC)

Sample: "Stupid, damn animal!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS_Ck6rtVmc&feature=youtu.be&t=1m)

There is a better one I like, but I couldn't find it online: "Stupid nature!" Because, really, nature is stupid. I'm tired of hippies and hipsters talking about recycling this and organic that. Shut up. I'm sitting in an air conditioned room on a couch eating fast food I didn't have to work to make myself. I am ridiculously comfortable. And I despise most animal owners because they're so unapologetically bad at it. If your dog is growling at me, get your dog away from me! Oh, he's "nice?" Oh, yeah. I see a lot of evidence to support that claim.

Rabble rabble rabble rabble! Get off my lawn, you damn kids!


SPECIAL BONUS HONORARY BEST MENTION:

Everything!


From: Resident Evil (PS1, PC, Sega Saturn)

Sample: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVyOCssIXgQ&feature=youtu.be&t=26s

Everything in this horribly, horribly written and poorly "acted" game is stupidly quotable. I can't pick one thing, nor can I think of relevant situations to say any of this stuff. I just do. And you should, too.

But just take a look at this! It's Forrest! Oh my Ghahd!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Fuse

Rating: 1 out of 3 Stars (why only 3 possible stars?)
Genre: Third Person Cover Shooter; Sub-genre: Forced Co-op
ESRB: M (cartoony blood and profanity)
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): 12/8
Developer: Insomniac Games


I was hoping this would at least be a 2 out of 3 stars. And there are a lot of things that could have been done that could have made it such. Maybe it could have even been three stars. Sometimes the little things can make all the difference. This isn't a bad game, really. It just doesn't provide players with what we really want by missing too many notes. There are also BIG misses, too, so I'm not just dinging them purely from being nit-picky.

Calling your game "Fuse" is a pretty big mistake, too.
You almost called it "Overstrike." Who decided to change that? Can I have his/her job?
I can't really comment on the story other than to say it gets in the way. I know I've been singing the praises of The Last of Us and Mass Effect for having such immersive stories, but this is a co-op game. And, really, co-op games need as little story as possible. Video games present an interesting challenge to writers in that their time to explain and talk about things is generally very limited. The reason being is that it's a GAME. Ergo, every second a player spends not playing is frustrating. And this effect becomes heightened exponentially for every player added to the mix. Look at a game like Left 4 Dead as a good example: the story is pretty much explained just by the premise and setting while the ambient chatter of the characters is all you get for personality and motives. Now look at Fuse: uninteractive cutscenes that are awkwardly long and don't make a whole lot of sense; not at first glance (mine was "so... we're mercenaries or something?") and not in the story telling itself. When I beat the last boss with my co-op buddy, we both had no idea who he was, what his motives were, or what relation any of us had to him. He said something about bringing peace through terrifying nuclear war, but that's it. It's hard to pay attention, too, in a co-op situation. People crack jokes, walk around and get snacks... it's not the most suitable to immersive gaming.

Stopping to climb walls like Prince of Persia is also distracting.
I've said co-op a lot. If you haven't guessed, this is the type of game that gives you crappy AI controlled teammates that you're forced to have with you at all times if you don't have three other people to play with. You know, Insomniac, I commend you trying so hard to make co-op a thing again. But why alienate solo players? You decided to just leave yourself open to the inevitable complaints of how dumb the AI is. Why? You're only shooting yourself in the foot. Here are some ways you can make the non-player characters less annoying:

1. Make them invincible.
2. Give them unlimited ammo (already present?)
3. Make them care about the damn objectives; either making them able to do them or understand how to help the player do them.
4. Make them prioritize reviving the player above all else.
5. Make them understand the rules of the game, for crying out loud!

That number five one? One of the characters is a healer. I seriously got healed by her a total of one time during the campaign. Sure, we didn't figure out that we needed to spend her skill points for her for a while, but that still was a good several hours that she never did it when she could have. And why doesn't she just get some default skillset when I don't actively control her? Who would want to play a healer just to heal non-player characters?

I haven't even gotten to the actual gameplay yet. The enemies are too unvaried and don't have unique enough designs. Those that do have unique designs use robotics that feel out of place and unexplained (this may be due to the fact that the game got a redesign at some point during its development since it was originally called "Overstrike"). Boss characters have a stupid amount of health with little feedback on what is effective against them. I understand shooting their fuel tanks, but what about xeno-whatever guns and using their combo effects? And the characters all have virtually the same talent tree! Why have four completely different classes play so similar? And why is Dalton (the meathead) the ONLY one with a weapon fully committed to being his class (that being "shield guy")? I think Kimble as a sniper/chain lightning(?) guy is cool. But Izzy's assault rifle sucks. It's supposed to be for crowd control, but the stun takes so many hits to trigger that a lot of times you can simply just kill whoever you are trying to stun. And Naya can turn invisible. That is NOT helpful in a game so oriented around teamwork. What's funny is that the same ability is incredibly useful in Mass Effect 3's multiplayer. But that's because there are objectives that it can be used to achieve while the group survives and kites bad guys. 

This all lends the game the feel of being an overlong demo. There are clearly some ideas at play, but the good ones are few before more half-hearted ones take place for everything else.

Look how buff Dalton is. This in no way affects his abilities compared to the others!
There is a single multiplayer game mode aside from the main campaign: Echelon. A strange name for what we all know as "horde mode." Funny enough, this is all I really could want from a game like this. The execution doesn't offer as much content as Mass Effect 3's, but the little improvements this game does have give it some strength. ME3's multiplayer is an entirely slapped together affair. And its clunky controls really drag it down. So one big strength for Fuse is that it looks and feels a lot cleaner. The buttons are much better (a dedicated cover button!) and the animations are smoother; characters can enter cover from any direction easier and don't have crappy hiccups like having their reload animations reset while sliding to a wall. But Fuse has the opposite problem: boring enemy design, less classes with less depth, less maps (all borrowed from single player, too), and spawning and objectives are a little bit sloppier (I've had a weapon crate spawn so far away with so many enemies on it that there was no way to even touch it before it was destroyed!).

More confounding is the matchmaking system. The game REQUIRES there be one player for each character. So if you really want to play as, say, Dalton? Hope you're willing to wait longer to find a game where a Dalton spot is open. It's also strange that a failed map will reload with the same four people, but a successful map will kick all four people separately back to the matchmaker. That's backwards! I don't want to keep playing with losers, I want to keep playing with winners!

Playing games with people who aren't stoned or drunk is actually really damn fun, believe it or not!
Conclusion:
If you're really hungry for a co-op game, you will enjoy this purely for being a co-op game. Don't plan on playing split-screen, though, since the screen is split the wrong way: vertically!




Additional notes on split-screen:
In my experience with XBox live, the "guest" player's progress never gets saved. So I used a second account for the second player. Only one of the two accounts is a "gold" account, so that meant we had to play in offline mode; we were stuck with computer controlled teammates. Cold dog!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Journey

Rating: 1 out of 3 Stars (why only 3 possible stars?)
Genre: Artsy; Sub-genre: Platformer
ESRB: E10 (I honestly don't know what makes it above an E)
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): Not applicable/2
Developer: Thatgamecompany


I guess I stopped believin', Journey, because I really didn't find you to be that impressive. You are very pretty and have nice sand and snow effects for an Indie game, but your simple visual story was meaningless and you don't offer enough gameplay interactivity for me to consider you a game. I'm sorry if I'm rude, I'm merely going to be as short with you as you were with me.

Journey is about finding your way to Tuna Mountain... a mountain which does not exist.
There is no story. No emotion, personality, or conflict. No more so than a painting of a pretty landscape. Yes, you can take a lot of meaning from paintings... especially when a bunch of them comprise a two hour game. But that's not enough to call it a "story." The main character, who I assume is named Steve Perry, just walks towards a mountain. Normally I don't give spoilers, but that's literally the entire story. I didn't find an emotional connection because no connection was offered. What's more, despite being such a simple story it still managed to squeeze in a Deus Ex Machina. How deep and meaningful.

"Why are there now two of me? Is this a new power?" -my reaction to multiplayer
I daresay there's even less gameplay to be offered than story. Steve Perry is capable of really high, floating jumps and he can chirp loudly. The former is used for "duh video games" and the latter as his only means of interacting with everything. The jump is flowing and well-tuned and has the intriguing limitation of needing a power gauge to use it. But this is never developed into a complex mechanic. Neither is chirping. Ultimately, Steve spends the majority of his time just moving forward.

I must have forgotten that this game had multiplayer, because it surprised the hell out of me when it happened. Randomly in the middle of my game I noticed another hooded figure (with no gamer tag, chat, or messages indicating someone had joined), who I assumed was named Neal Schon. Admittedly, this was the highlight of my game but for the wrong reasons. I was watching Neal's movements, confounded by how human-like this sudden NPC was acting. Then while we were making our way up a freezing, snowy mountain he became irritated with my constant chirping. So he jumped off a cliff and died forever. I was saddened by this turn of events, and it wasn't until the end credits that the game told me that I was indeed joined by another player. "Neal," I thought, "You don't have the patience to walk forward for two hours? You must suck at video games."

This game has none of their hits on it!
Conclusion:
I'm not much of an artsy guy. I'll admit that. But this game just made me bored. I was actually glad it was so short! I'll give them credit for trying hard and doing something unusual, but I am not as quick to offer my enthusiasm as everyone else seems to be. And hey! I played Braid and loved it despite it's ridiculous pretentiousness. Why? Because it was FUN.

And if you want a PS3 game with pretty landscapes that makes you cry, try The Last of Us. THAT is quite a journey. Whew!