Thursday, May 30, 2013

Enemy Power Scale for All Video Games

Not every gamer knows all the tropes and cliches that someone like me is used to. So sometimes I feel the need to organize my thoughts into crappy guides. But this isn't just for noobs, this is kinda like a philosophical reflection on the "society" of videogameland. It's also pretty funny to me because video games are freaking silly.

This is a scale I've devised for determining the levels of strength enemies can have. Hey, maybe some developer out there needs a way to measure this stuff! Never know! Here we go!



10. Escorts


Oh, dreaded escort missions. We all understand that these guys are weak and the player character is a bad ass, but why do they always seem so suicidal? This is why I consider them to be the enemy!


9. Mega Giants


If you ever see a bad guy that's bigger than the entire level, you can immediately take a breath of relief. These guys insist on throwing easy mini-games at you instead of just smashing you and the 50 feet around you into oblivion.


8. Defenseless Critters



Don't be fooled, these guys are tactical geniuses. You'll try to take a shot at them with your machine gun, but then they'll skitter away and you'll miss... ten times. Before you know it, you've wasted precious ammo and got the attention of the real bad guys in the room!


7. Shield guys


For some reason blocking is often a waste of time. Unless it's a bad guy doing it. And goodness help you if said enemy has a shield. You'll have to drop everything and dedicate all your attention to getting around that thing.


6. Fat guys


Every male in video games is super buff, and every female is super hot. So when these oddities come around, you better believe they got a lot of hit points and can't be staggered and what-not. How do they even get fat, though? If even book worm mages are totally ripped, does that mean you have to work out and train to become fat? How strong they are compared to musclemen would certainly suggest so.


5. Anyone with a Funny Hat


In movies, if you see a guy with a scar or a missing eye then you know he's a mean customer. In video games, faces can be too far away (or other technical reasons) for you to see stuff like that. But a hat is an easily distinctive trait. Somewhere along the way things went awry and the hats started trying too hard to get your attention. By video game logic, the Pope must be a master martial artist!


4. Small birds/bats


Trying to make a tough jump? Expecting to be able to keep your eyes on the targets in front of you without something swooping down from above to distract you? Too bad!


3. Dogs


Little four-legged creatures can't be grabbed because they're not human shaped. They don't use cover because they're dumb animals. They just charge in super fast- faster than you can strafe or run and turn- and dig into your blind spot, staggering you with their non-assault-rifle-bullet-shooting-mouths-that-are-somehow-more-powerful.


2. Cutscene enemies


It doesn't matter how skilled you are or how decked out your character is, when a cutscene comes up then you can DIE. In one hit!


1. Children


They're invincible! Don't make them mad or they'll destroy the entire world!

1 comment: