Super Castlevania IV

Rating: 3 out of 3 Stars (why only 3 possible stars?)
Genre: Side-scrolling beat-'em-up; Sub-genre: Platformer
ESRB: E10+ (For causing various pixelated monsters to explode with whip strikes)
Estimated hours of gameplay (thorough play/quick play): 6/2
Developer: Konami
Wiki page

Typical of my retro-reviews, this one requires a story. When I was just a youngun', I saw this game demo'd at Sears (or something) back when the SNES first came out. I thought it was the coolest fucking thing I had ever seen. Then, inexplicably, I never played the damn thing. It wasn't until many years later when I had discovered rips of NES and SNES video game music that I noticed the Castlevania series. The music of 1 and 3 are easily the best of the series, so this got me super nostalgic. Why had I never played this game? Well, I had a bunch of points on my Wii that I wasn't using on anything, so I just up and bought this game for it. Personally I'd recommend just getting a ROM file and an emulator on your computer; Nintendo put zero effort into making the Virtual Console anything special. That way you can skip the password system and use save states. But don't cheat too much; you'll only be cheating yourself!

Conversely, I cheated all the time as a kid. Kids are such immoral assholes.

This game came out only a few months after the SNES itself was released but still was early enough to be a major pioneer. Like many games of this new generation, it started a trend we're still seeing today of putting more content in a game and relying less on impossible difficulty for replay value. There's even effort put into razzle dazzle with levels like one where the background is a 3D spinning cylinder. It makes no logical sense what in the flying fuck is going on with this room but... 3D! Whoa! The platforming and fighting in this section is inconsequential, which may be for the best as the SNES chugs a bit to render the scene while the player gets vertigo. It's like an old timey "watch out for exploding shit" level where you run in a straight line while things blow up around you that are so popular now.

I didn't want to find an animated GIF of this level... hurk!...

The gameplay is pretty standard for the time: you move from left to right, jump over obstacles, and murder the things that get in your way. Simon's attack is different from a normal beat-'em-up in that he uses a whip and no combos. This is actually stronger in that it lends itself more to having to time your attacks rather than being distracted by flashy animations. He also has items he can use that confusingly need hearts for ammo. But the whip can go in all directions in this game and is pretty damn strong and quick, so items are never that dire. The monster variety is pretty flavorful and doesn't rely on having to memorize the placement of everything to get through parts (IE Mega Man), but rather leans more towards your own reaction time and ability to strategize. And Simon doesn't die in one hit. That's always nice.

And there's good ol' fashioned boss battles!

So how does it hold up now? Well, the offered gameplay hours are under par. And my estimates are purely based on how many times you die (hint: dying typically involves a staircase). I can safely bet that this game can be completed comfortably in a single sitting, if you're adept enough. The story is still non-existent, save for anything that might have been in the manual. It doesn't go the route of Chrono Trigger or even Legend of Zelda, Simon Belmont just wants Dracula dead and that's all we really know. But I'd say it does very well. Heh, obviously since I gave it three stars, right? But hear me out: this game manages to be a nostalgic oldie while still managing the solid playability of a modern game. You can't say that about something like, say, Contra. That game had the best music ever but JESUS I never want to play it again. Although Mr. Belmont's inability to deal with stairs is frustratingly hilarious (but mostly frustrating).

"Dracula ain't shit! Wait, no one said there'd be stairs! FML!" - Simon Belmont.

Conclusion: As much as I hate the nostalgia for the "old days" of video games going around, this one well deserves it. Also, the current iteration of the franchise (the Lords of Shadow series) takes this name into the modern era and puts a fresh take on the God of War style games. But again: don't buy it on Virtual Console, just get an emulator, yo.

Just for fun, here's a metal cover of Simon's theme (NOT actually played by Yngwie Malmsteen).