5 Video Games I Wish Existed

In lieu of XCOM: Enemy Unknown coming out next week, I've been given the power to dream. If such an old-school piece of work can come out seemingly just for me, what else is the industry holding out on me? Or for others? I don't know about you, but I got a billion ideas already I wish would come into existence. Here's five of 'em. I put them in ascending order according to how much money they'd bring you, video game industry. What's great is that these are all already pre-established things. So you can just take 'em and rake in the dough!

You're welcome.

5. American Warriors (or Dynasty Warriors USA)

Dynasty Warriors grew stale about five or ten sequels ago. But it never fully captured a perfect iteration for me. What better way to re-introduce the franchise than to tackle a new country! Just use everyone's favorite: America! From George Washington winning the American Revolution single-handedly, to Abraham Lincoln freeing the slaves single-handedly, to Franklin Delano Roosevelt winning all of World War II... still single-handedly. It's Dynasty Warriors, people. Armies are useless compared to a single hero!

The vast changes to the world during the short 236 year history would provide some great set pieces, too. From the cold shores of the Colonies in 1776 to the dense jungles of Vietnam and then to the mean streets of the city where Ronald Reagan would fight the war on drugs with his fists.

KOEI/Omega Force could even spice things up with the added attention from the controversy of using Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. as a playable character (despite his being a pacifist). He'd be great! He'd use the power of his voice and be like, "I HAVE A DREAM!" and then the racists would collapse and cry, "I'm swayed to your point of view!"... and then they'd die for no reason from it. Cuz it's a video game.

4. Mass Effect Turn Style RPG

Alright, so this entry is a lot less funny. But think about it! BioWare made Baldur's Gate back in the day. While that used "pausable realtime" combat and not turn-based... they could do it! And you know it!

Also, XCOM triggers me to think about this possibility. Whatever, I'll just leave it at this.

3. Silver Surfer: Ace Philosopher

Phoenix Wright found his way into American handheld devices, but over in Japan these talking games are a much bigger deal. They're fucking all over the place. They involve things ranging from dating sims, to gay dating sims, to pornographic dating sims. The possibilities of this genre are endless!

And anyone who knows Silver Surfer knows that he's ridiculously powerful. Like, almost as powerful as Superman was in the 70's. Naturally, he uses those powers the best way he can: by talking. All we need is to bring back Tim Follin to do the soundtrack and we've got ourselves the next Ace Attorney!

2. Fallout-esque Walking Dead

This one is like... too obvious, man. Enough of those bullshit point-and-click adventures. Let us explore the world on foot, scavenge for food, do quests, and make decisions. Decisions like "help this family or murder the father and take the women." Oh, I should probably mention that the comic is pretty Goddamn gritty. A large part of it is seeing just how depraved mankind can become given such a circumstance. So that's what we should go through, too!

Hell, in the Fable series you could marry a dozen people and then go pay for sex from hookers while they watch. Granted, it was all left as "implied" by having the screen fade out... but you could still do it! I think I'm getting a little side tracked, um... oh, yeah! There's like, zombies and stuff! So you'd have to deal with those from time to time, too.

I think anyone who's both read the comic and played any game in the Fallout series can see what I'm talking about, though. The little towns of survivors, exploring ruins and wastelands of a dead society, etc. Come on, people. This is easy.

1. Sim Nick Cage

There was this movie called "Being John Malkovich" that came out years ago. One could argue this concept had striking similarities to being a video game: the idea of getting to live the life of another man. It was a good movie, but I think I'd prefer it as an actual video game. Also, I'd prefer it to be about an actor who is actually interesting.

Enter Nick Cage: professional mad man. Some people describe his work as "acting", while others know better. Just think about the Sims franchise. Why be a regular asshole when you could be a SUPER asshole?

Follow Nick on his day-to-day activities of fucking up already bad movies, doing copious amounts of coke, and screaming at the sun. The thing I'd look forward to the most would be decision making. See, most games give you choices like "good" and "evil" paths. And some games force you to decide what you think is best in a situation that's bad either way. This game would be like a roulette wheel of crazy. Here is an example:

The director refers you to page 23 of the script for dialogue. Do you:

A: Scream the lines at the top of your lungs regardless of their inflection?
B: Speak them softly regardless of inflection, but in contrast to your words flail your arms around?

And choosing either one would result in the director informing you, "Nick, calm the hell down." From there the spiral could continue: punch the director or run back to your trailer and do more coke? This man is already your fucked up create-a-character from the Sims, folks.